Vacation from hell

(technical blog problems cured!)

I am so tired of fighting with my mom all the time.
 

Gavin helped me rip tape and bend wire to build my armature, looked from the finished figure of Mike to the one I was working on and said, "Mom make baby statue?" He then sat on a stool and posed for me. He's a natural.

After a harrowing few days, Mike sat with a beer and regaled us with Tales of the Lifeguards while I modeled a clay figure of Gavin. How cup-of-chips Chris had his hair lit on fire; toilet paper thrown from a plane; Mike's toe skin flapping in the wind as he tumbled down the deck for a rescue; games of Assball and Dicktag. I spent a bit of time reminiscing about tiny lifeguard shorts. I think both of us miss having a group of friends to hang out with. Heck, we miss just hanging out with each other. It's funny how lonely you can get by not having any time to yourself.

But some day we will have a house, and a yard, and a bathtub with claw feet. I'll hang drawings of my family along the wall, and watch them age as the years go by. We'll have cats dozing in sunlight, and we'll eat enchiladas and play cards with friends every Thursday.

Yes we will.

"Did anyone ever tell you..."

"... you look like Red Sonja?"

I narrowed my eyes at my soon-to-be-ex vegan coworker. "Are you saying I look like Brigitte Nielsen?"

"No, I just mean, you're, like, in great shape and you look like you could kick my butt."
 

Okay. Works for me.

book signing

asshole: So, how big is your run?
me: Oh, I'm not sure.
asshole (with sneer): did you even sign a contract?
me: yeah
asshole: did you read it?
me: yes. I'm sure I could look it up.
asshole: you'll just sign anything? Doesn't matter? You should know your book run, your royalties, you know, important things. Did you even bother looking?
me: Nope, I just sign what they give me.

Idiot.

Today I was the literal kid in the candy store, taking a plastic baggie for the first time and hopping from bin to bin in the candy kiosk across from the bookstore in the mall, scooping up malt balls, red licorice, mint candies, and chocolate covered gummy bears. It was great. It's important to celebrate things, and I make a point to treat myself on book signing days. One of my library school colleagues dropped by and gave us leis, took our picture, and bought a book to show support. It was our happiest signing yet.

Only a week left of school. I walked into class last night and gave Adnan a bump, he turned and grabbed me gently by the neck with a weird smile. He had hit the campus bar before class. I had forgotten such things existed. He wasn't impaired, and I was jealous about how relaxed he was during the difficult first half of class (library students: a 5 minute presentation means 5 MINUTES, not 15, not 20, and definitely not 30! I know we can't count, but sheesh). Yuri had prepared herself for this with half a pan of brownies. This is how other people avoid going apeshit under the grind of summer school. All I had was a pack of gum. Mike, however, had me covered. I returned home to a mindless movie (Hitch), a bowl of popcorn, and a recording of Battlestar Galactica. I'm back in business now.

Several days ago I had a close look at my face in Mike's shaving mirror and decided that the blonde fuzz on my face was actually a mustache and beard. So I shaved. This seemed harmless enough until this morning, when I woke up with the invisible itchy torture of hundreds of sharp blades of blonde stubble. This was bad enough, and then I was exposed at work to the naked horror that is GG Allin. The joys of working with the public.

run Holly run

After making me strip down and put on a flimsy hospital gown, the nurses had me lay down on the exam table, then pulled blankets up to my chin and tucked me in like a little kid. I felt cozy and secure. Then they shooed away the old man in the next stall, pulled down my blankets, and stuck cold jelly and electrodes all over my torso, breaking the spell. The treadmill was an awkward speed; my legs were just slightly too short to manage it at a fast walk, and it was too slow for a jog, so I sort of lurched around on it, not fooled at all by the faded poster of a country lane that they had tacked to the wall in front of the machine. I almost lost my footing and smacked my chin off the hand rail when the doctor grabbed my arm and made me run like an Olympic torch bearer while he took my blood pressure. I took a bit longer than the old man ahead of me to get my heart rate up to speed, so that's good, I guess. I was finally able to flop down, out of breath, and watch the technician examine my heart with the ultrasound. I am totally healthy, it seems. This morning I told my professor why I had been absent, and she laughed, saying, "Oh, I had that same thing happen when I was in library school, turns out it was panic attacks!" Oh good.

1st class

I headed out early this morning to test the traffic, and arrived an hour before class. I don't know if it was the 6 hours of sleep or what, but it was hard to keep my eyes focused on the road, and my head felt like it was a balloon on a string, making it hard not to panic and crash. I've been particularly sleepy lately; maybe I'm fighting a form of narcolepsy or something.

There needs to be a paperback in my purse. I miss reading for pleasure. I still haven't found the fiction section in this massive research library, although I know it exists. Maybe I will go looking while I wait for class to start, even though I am muzzy-headed and sleepy, weak in the chest and slightly queasy from my pills and empty stomach. I am not grumpy, at least. Yesterday was great, the smells of pie and brownies filled the house. We listened to classical music and sat around all day, watching Gavin play and catching a few episodes of Carnivale while he napped, snacking on chips, dip, and shrimp cocktail. We broke out the kebabs and barbecue grill while Gavin splashed in his baby pool, blended up some Kahlua, Irish cream, and ice cream, and rented a movie. Very American of us, even if we did opt for grilled veggies and steak instead of cheddar brats. At least Mike did his part to empty the beer drawer in the fridge.

But I do feel slightly grey today. This class isn't something I'm very interested in: Pacific Island Resources. But as long as I am not expected to turn out a 15 page paper in 4 days, I will probably stay out of the hospital this go-around (it's a lie, I have an appointment for heart tests in a week). I lost a bit of my pep somewhere in the past few weeks; to take a page from Bilbo, I feel thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. In every area of my life. I don't know how to get my stride back.

New girl

Yuri sniggered at me as she got off the phone. "Looks like we're going to have another Holly Mac working here, you're not special anymore." The new girl arrived a bit later for her interview, accompanied by her brother-in-law, the guy who sits next to me in class (who also works at our library). He was immediately suckered into working the desk while Yuri took the new Holly down to meet the head of circulation, and we stood around being very cool and making fun of people. After they left, I asked Yuri if we should warn the new girl that our mild-mannered vegan co-worker is a horndog on the prowl. He might try out his new interpersonal skills on her, as I have been doing my best to teach him how to be a hussy after he sulked at me about being a loser with women. I'm not really the best person to teach him about flirting, but I told him everything I know from the Discovery channel, since he wasn't buying my spiel on serendipity. Poor lonely little vegan.

I'm hungry, with another 3 hours until quitting time, but at 6pm I'll head over to the cafe for some dinner with Yuri while I wait for my mom to get back from her performance at the state fair. Hummus! Fresh pita! Chai!

sleepy time

Mike managed to revive me a bit as he drove me to work this morning, giving me the chance to sing along loudly with Tenacious D ("... I'm not gonna cook it, but I'll order it from ZANZIBAR!") and we stopped at the cafe for tea and cheesecake before I headed across the street to the library. I'm feeling more myself today, despite the fact that I fell asleep on the couch this morning (I don't like naps). Yuri insisted that my problem was hunger-based, and spread out an array of snacks to join my sad carrot sticks and Altoids (but I just had cheesecake!). She warned me about the bean dip, but we decided that a case of food poisoning would at least give my doctors something concrete to work with.


This had better pass in a hurry, though, because tomorrow will be a hectic day, with Father's Day, the State Fair dance performance, and work. Monday promises adventure, as well, as I have an early doctor's appointment to discuss my blood work, followed by my mother's birthday celebration, class, a group homework session, and open mic night. If I have survived to Tuesday, I might have a few moments to put my head on straight and get focused for my presentation on Friday.

In the meantime, I will be manning the desk, on guard for reporters who might come snooping around to investigate the identity-theft ring that was just uncovered - involving the person who used to have Yuri's job. Our under-rated library is getting some press. Yes, it's not all perverts and smelly salami guys, we have organized criminals here, too!

librarian rant

My professor handed out an article about the detrimental effects of "info-mania", claiming that excessive e-mail and cell phone use drop our IQ by 10 points per session, compared to 3 points with marijuana use. My discussion group questioned the validity of the sources, and I argued that people never like to work, and would just be playing hangman on paper during meetings if they didn't have their text messaging, so what's the difference? All three of us assumed this was a hypothetical corporate scenario. It wasn't, it was about public library users. My professor wanted us to talk about ways to protect library users from their own stupidity and to educate them on the harmful effects of their personal interests. I stared at him. Some of our class threw out suggestions about time limits except for scholarly research (whatever means they judge THAT by) and monitoring systems to prevent "misuse". I noticed that it was those of us with "bad attitudes" who were horrified by this conversation, sitting with our mouths open. "And then, after they enter their personal information, they can enter their IQ, too, and that would determine how much time they get," said Mat. The class laughed and then went straight back at it. Oh, for the sake of the children! Give me a fucking break. If you catch someone breaking the law by looking up porn in front of children, or masturbating in public, you toss them out or call the cops, you don't deny access for everyone else! But it goes beyond porn, they were asserting that personal email and web surfing should be limited and discouraged. How about we get rid of the fiction section, too? Or how about those naughty romance novels? Ban them all! "So what should we do?" concluded our professor. "Distribute marijuana?" suggested Mat.

I was so upset by this anti-information conversation amongst librarians that I pried my fingernails out of the table after class and went home to administer myself a bit of liquor. This class is going to cost a fortune in booze if it keeps up like this.

Field trip

I have slandered Hotel Street; we only saw two hookers, and there were only seedy bars, no strip clubs. I apologize, downtown Honolulu.

After feeling very invigorated by listening to loud music on the ride over, I parked in the scariest parking garage ever and browsed Chinatown with a classmate until the rest of our group had arrived. We set off, pointing and gawking with our little maps like a group of tourists. A man yelled at us that we had no right to be happy, we are at WAR! But we ignored him. Two of our librarians clapped their hands over their eyes at the sight of a bikini poster as though their faces were being burned off. "Old married ladies," Yuri winked at me.

Yuri herself:



A gaggle of librarians:



Wo Fat and Christmas tree in window:



The lovely downtown police station:



Dead lizards can cure anything:



My professor:



My reflection, because nobody would take a picture of me:

promotion material

Yuri and I met at the cafe to drink tea over a group homework project. We examined a detailed 1832 map of Molokai to identify the cartographer's symbols and develop a legend against three other early maps, to figure out similarities. With our brain-boosting beverages, we finished the job in no time, and walked down to Yuri's place to waste a few hours before my appointment with my new internship director. We stopped at 7-11 for snacks, and walked around back to Yuri's studio apartment, waving at all the stray cats. Yuri poured us a couple of rum & cokes, and introduced me to DVR. I sometimes have a bit of Kahlua and milk before bed, and it has never done anything except relax me a bit, but rum turns out to be a sledgehammer to the head. Halfway through my glass, I turned my head and discovered that my brain hadn't followed. Yuri saw me sloshing my head back and forth in a telling manner, said that my face had turned red, and took away my cup. An hour later, I stood up to use the bathroom and the floor slipped sideways, smacking me with a wall.

"How am I supposed to go meet with L. about the internship like this?"

Yuri, who works with L., waved her hand dismissively, "She'll never notice. Just tell her I gave you a rum & coke, she'll understand."

I was fully prepared to cancel my appointment, but another hour passed and I found my feet again. We walked back up to campus, and I actually managed to have a really good interview with L. As I fetched Yuri from her office in the library, the head of circulation looked at me and said, "What about her, then?" It seems there was some question about who to train for the next promotion, and I volunteered by showing up. Yuri said it would be done, and we flounced off to class (ordinarily I find the term "flounce" offensive, but it is, in fact, what we did). We studied maps for the next 3 hours, and I came home to discover that, in my absence, Gavin had sat through the entire showing of Madagascar at the theater with my mom. Every time I take Gavin to the movies, he claps his hands over his ears and cries until I take him home, and we had just attempted to see this very movie only 3 days ago. Apparently, this is an act he reserves for me, and he enjoyed the dancing animals very much with his grandma. Annoying. At least Mike has promised that he will watch Gavin while I see the dancing lemurs one of these days. At some point, I'll get to see a whole movie in one sitting.