24 hour fitless

Nothing boosts your satisfaction with not going to a gym like getting a free pass to try out a gym.

A couple weeks ago I maxed out my dumbbells, and then I got chased by a toothless man while out for my evening jog around the neighborhood. Time to check out the local gym, maybe.

This will be great, I thought. I was a swimmer for years, and they have a pool. I will be so swimmy and fit, and then boil my butt in the hot tub.

I said this to the lady at the front desk while I was signing in for my free trial, and she cringed apologetically. "Aaactually, the pool is shutting down next week. And the hot tub. Permanently."

"Well, shit."

"Yeah."

I went for a swim anyway. My watch clocked me at half my high school speed, and I was feeling very sorry for myself until a nice little old man in flippers took the lane next to me. I totally kicked his ass in the 100m freestyle. 

 

When I got into the hot tub I turned off the swim setting on my watch. Nobody warned me that apple watches eject water by spitting it out onto your wrist, and I was not prepared for that. That is more intimacy than I am interested in.

There were no towel hooks in the showers. You have to walk naked from the lockers to the showers, and then track water all the way back to your locker to get your towel, and then change in front of strangers. I went for the towel-tent option and tried crawling into my clothes without exposing any of my bits, which is when I learned a very valuable lesson about poly-spandex yoga pants and wet legs. Embarrassing.

8am isn't the best time to judge a gym, so I decided to come back at 7pm to see how the after-work crowd behaved. It was wall-to-wall chaos. The weight area was a live-action gym meme. People were making up their own exercises. Men were getting trapped under free weights. Sweat was not being wiped off of seats. People were drinking cappuccinos while resting on the machines between sets.

After an hour trying to get on more than two machines, I gave up. I can spend the $350 annual fee upgrading my dumbbells and running shoes, instead. It is quicker to just run around the block or do a 30 minute video, and with fewer naked strangers and plantar warts. Toothless guys who chase you up the street are called motivation. 

And I am great at kicking motivation in the balls.

Spartantagonism

This week I learned that people who compete in Spartan races have a reputation for being assholes. I... don't know? My overall experience with the race was really positive. All kinds of people of all ages from all over the world were there, and they were really happy and supportive. There were thousands of competitors in dozens of heats, cheering each other on and helping people with injuries get to safety. If it really is an asshole convention and our race was an anomaly, I guess we will find out, because the Hawaii Spartan has been canceled this year, and it has already been paid for it, so we're looking at flying out to Seattle in September to give that one a try. (Well, the two competitive people will give it a try. I will be guarding the backpacks and eating baked potatoes again, because I like my kneecaps attached to my body.) 

I will take field notes and report if any assholery takes place. Unless it is me.

 

Countdown: 3 weeks to Scotland!

Waimea Falls

Waimea Falls. You think a hike to a waterfall is going to be a long, muddy, arduous excursion with a risk-your-life water adventure at the end? People falling off rocks and throwing garbage on the ground and peeing on trees? WRONG. Waimea has had enough of your shit. The path is paved. There's a shuttle if grandma is too slow. Garbage cans every 50 feet. Guard rails. Changing rooms. Cafe. Mandatory life vests. Lifeguards with bullhorns, because you assholes can't listen to the one thing they told you - don't swim under the overhanging rocks that might collapse and kill you. YOU WANT ANOTHER SACRED FALLS INCIDENT? 

It was amazing. Every stupid thing an endless crowd of tourists could get up to has been accounted for and neatly managed in a way that preserves the historic and cultural significance of Waimea Valley, as well as the habitat of the endangered moorhens. 10/10 family destination if you are, like me, a massive wet blanket trying to get everyone through a day trip without anyone having a meltdown or ending up on a stretcher. I tossed my soft white librarian body into the water and made it produce some endorphins for an hour. It was great. Did not even care when Leif lost his cell phone to the murky green depths of the pool, where it will remain forever with all the other cell phones and wedding rings and bones that live down there.

Also, they have peacocks.

Add it to the lifetime to-do list, folks.

but what if

After years on the adulting to-do list, we finally sat down with a union rep and got proper life/funeral insurance.

First thoughts: what a relief!

Second thoughts: congrats, you are one step closer to death.

Third thoughts: realistically, how likely are you to be murdered for the money? 

 

Better get busy being alive.