Sheila’s Broom

Note: I’ve added a link to my website on the sidebar. Prints are up if anyone wants one.

Edit: site was borked but should be working now

The last snow storm after St. Patrick’s Day is called Sheila’s Broom in these parts. Nobody really agrees on who Sheila is - St. Patrick’s wife, girlfriend, just some lady he was annoying while she was doing chores - but it’s agreed she flicked her broom at him, and she’s sweeping him (and the hungover men laying around after the holiday, depending on the telling) the fuck out the door.

This sweeping has lasted 3 storms so far this week, but people are adamant that it’s all the same broom, and spring will be here to stay once it’s finished. 

I went on my walks around the pond every day anyway. I’m not adversarial with winter.

Same spot, two days apart

How to get killed by a porch light

Over the weekend I took down the dangling broken plastic porch lights and installed a couple barn lights. I threw the breaker to the shed, which cut power to all the lights inside, stood on a chair, took the external fixture off, touched the new wires to the old wires, and just about blew myself off the chair. I made fire! I am a survivalist! It turns out the shed is powered by the house, and the porch light is hooked up to the line before it gets to the breaker box. I had to leave the damn things live and exposed while I raced to the hardware store for help. The guy at Canadian Tire showed me how to use a hot wire detector, I zoomed back, threw all the breakers in the house to find the right one, and finally got the damn thing installed without burning the shed down. Bonus: my hand suddenly stopped buzzing and shorting out, so maybe shock therapy is the way to go with carpal tunnel. I think I may have a future as a health influencer. Or a law suit defendant.

Cute

In the evenings, while watching Tom Holland Spider-man movies with the kid, I hand-stitched a piece of wood block print gauze ($4 on Etsy) into a pocket-rod valance for the kitchen ($3 curtain rod from Dollarama). I love it.

I don’t know where the ravens went, but suddenly the crows have taken over. They have started knocking on the glass door when they smell me cooking, and then they cuss me out for standing too close and watching them eat. I’ll wear them down.

SURRENDER BANANA BREAD

fank oo 

Between the melt and the new snow, my yard revealed something amazing that had been buried all winter: GIANT WITCH’S CAULDRON.

I’m curious to see if anything grows out of it this summer. If it’s all weeds, I’ll put some witchy flowers in there for next year. I have two apple trees working on buds right now, and I can’t wait to discover if I am actually a terrible gardener or just a terrible tropical gardener, now that I’m in the right climate for roses and tulips and peonies. Let’s go, Sheila.

The bounce back

Leif was accepted into university in Scotland! He texted me all afternoon, sharing pictures of the cheesecake he was baking to celebrate with his girlfriend and her family. It’s wonderful news, he’s been working toward this for a long time. He still has to pass his AP exam to lock it in, but that shouldn’t be a problem for him. He and his girl are pretty serious, but they’ll need to part ways in the fall as they head to different schools. It will be rough for them, but often the people you love in youth stay loved for life. Maybe they’ll find their way back onto the same path, even if they have to take the long way around.

With the birthday a success and the good news from the boy, I started feeling light in the foot again. The weather has been trying on all its outfits, switching from sunny to snowy to hurricane-windy. Every day I stubbornly zipped up my coat and went out for a walk, splashing through slush and letting the wind blow me around Salt Pond like a lawn chair. Yesterday the winds suddenly stopped, and the temperatures dropped from 13 degrees to -13 in a matter of hours, freezing the spring melt into impossible patterns. Ice grew up from the moss in fragile stalks like mushrooms, the river shallows froze into ripples, and sticks of crystals branched across puddles. I had my nose tucked into my coat collar and couldn’t feel the tops of my legs through my jeans, but I felt happy again.

My painting hand is recovering, now that the shoveling is done and I’ve been rubbing Tiger Balm* into it while drinking anti-inflammatory turmeric tea and popping NSAIDS. A few days ago I had gotten exasperated about my failure to find gig work and threatened to start selling foot pictures, so I drew a big sarcastic panel of classical-style foot studies and started painted them in the evenings. Hands and feet are really good practice, because they are hard. You’ll see artists go through all kinds of compositional contortions to avoid drawing them. By the time I started getting the hang of it, I was feeling good enough to start a real painting again. (And I can replace my nearly-empty tube of white paint now - thank you F. for stuffing a bill in my pocket and giving me an encouraging shove in the right direction.)

I saw the first flower buds of spring, and gathered pussy willows that broke off their stems. People complain about winter, but nature really works at break-neck speed. Blink and you’ll miss it. I’m so glad to have seasons again, it makes time feel real. And me, too.

* My mother always kept a little Tiger Balm in the medicine cabinet. One day, on the reservation, our neighbor’s uncle came knocking because he heard she had some. He explained that he had been riding in the rodeo the day before and hurt himself. “I need some Tiger Balm for my groan.” “Huh?” “You know,” he rubbed the insides of his thighs, “my groan.” She went to get the tiny jar and said he could keep the rest, and he waddled away gratefully. Ever since, we have always used Tiger Balm to relieve our groans. (HEY TIGER BALM I HAVE AN AD CAMPAIGN FOR YOU.)

Endurance

I warned myself I’d be hit by grief and question everything - quitting my career, dumping my life savings, and moving to another country in the middle of winter to work a job at poverty wages with no support system. It will get better, I told myself. After one year you will qualify for grants, receive assistance credits, and get a step movement. Until then you will hunker down like an animal in a storm and you will ENDURE IT. 

So I knew it was coming, but it still sucks.

On Friday I dropped Zenny off at a classmate’s birthday party, feeling a bit guilty that I couldn’t throw her one of her own but glad she was still getting a hit of celebration on the week of her birthday. She had a blast, dancing with her friends under black lights, covered in glow paint and stuffed with pizza. And I felt validated for my years of social awkwardness at parties, because every mother drove up in a line of cars, threw their kid out, and left. We all returned in a horde at 9pm, the doors of the Lions Club flew open, and the kids spilled out into the night and ran to their vehicles. Not a word was exchanged, everyone was punctual, and I realized that I have not been socially awkward all this time, I was just raised with Newfoundland party rules and had no idea how to navigate the “stay for a glass of wine, party ends whenever” beach moms on Maui.

On Saturday I ruined a painting and wiped it out, wincing about the cost of the paint I just wasted. I need to make something to sell or I can’t buy more, and my hand still isn’t working right. This copy-editing gig isn’t going to pay much, and my client is an older guy who likes to pay by check, so it will take 3 weeks to get here through international mail. I ran out of grocery money buying ingredients for Zenny’s birthday cake and favorite meal (Panda Express-style honey walnut shrimp, hell yes), so I swallowed my pride and onboarded for a remote job training language AI models, but didn’t get a gig because it’s high demand and I choked in the video interview. I looked for part-time local jobs, and only found a listing for a job straightening greeting cards, which didn’t pay enough to be worth the gas to get there (currently about $7/gallon and going up), let alone the last scraps of my pride. It feels like I can be more useful than straightening cards.

On Sunday I talked to my mother, and then took a call from Mike so I could talk to Leif, who likes to sit in on our video chats so he can answer texts from his girlfriend. Mike’s mother lost her partner of 25 years last week, so he had just gotten back from the funeral. Between him running into his most heinous affair partner, talking about how broke he is since I left, and comparing how much money his siblings take home with high-paying jobs and no mortgages (a lucky inheritance; Habitat for Humanity), all my insecurities and anger rose to the top. I got off with them, fumed for a few minutes while hand-stitching a curtain hem, and then got a call from my oldest and best friend. I have kind of been avoiding talking to him, because I don’t want to drive him away with how pathetic I am right now, but another friend reminded me to take the hands that reach out to me and let people decide that kind of thing for themselves, so we finally talked. And it was good to talk to him, but when I sat down to try to paint a bit afterwards, I started crying anyway.

Well, goddamn. Get your shit together, Braffet. You have a kid who is having a birthday this week, and I know how it feels to be managing a depressed single mother, so we will be having NONE OF THAT. I know I’ve been happier in general since breaking free, and that this feeling will pass. My ancestors would think I’m doing pretty good, with a house and electricity and hot showers. Cheer the fuck up.

When I feel like shit, I bake. I don’t have a mixer, so I kneaded my feelings out on a loaf of milk bread, then baked a birthday cake that is way too big for two people because I only have a 9-inch pan and a single layer cake is just too sad.

My slicing skills are matching my painting skills lately. At least it’s consistent.

I knew better than to even attempt to slice the layers thinner.

Chocolate cake from scratch, raspberries and whipped cream filling, chocolate silk frosting, and lucky chocolate coins for my St. Patrick’s Day girl.

My last baby is a teenager today. I got her a couple small gifts, wrapped up the presents from her dad and brothers, and her grandmothers sent her money. We will have shrimp and cake, say hi to everyone on FaceTime, and binge Project Runway. She’s been thriving, and everything is going to be great, I’ll figure this all out. It’s only been 3 months, that doesn’t really count as being a failure at life. This is just the part where I put my shoulder down and push through.

Salt Pond

After sitting through a work webinar on personal finances/credit counseling and having a minor panic attack about my bank account, I had the first pangs of homesickness - but they were for the mall, and the money to buy nice clothes and a good lunch. I ate my bowl of shredded wheat, put on my coat, and walked across the road to the trail around the not-a-lake; Salt Pond is a little ocean cove fed into by arteries of river water. 

I saw a squirrel, and a miniature fairy garden. A family of ducks sunbathed in the melting snow, and a seal climbed out of the ice to flop around and scare me into thinking a dog needed rescue. Passing hikers waved and said hi, happy with the 3 degree weather. “If the sun’s out, I’m out!” one of the ladies laughed, and I agreed that would be my motto as well.

For the next three days, I walked two miles around the pond on my lunch breaks, and started recognizing some of the happy dogs and walkers in puffer vests. The seal poked its head up to have a look around, the ducks swarmed up to the bridge optimistically, and the squirrel in the fairy garden posed for pictures. Then on Thursday the freezing rain blew in, glazing my car in ice like a donut and whipping my hair up into a mass because I didn’t tie it back. Throughout the afternoon, a few dudes I work with came in to chat and squint at my head. One of them asked if I did something different with my hair, it suits me. I picked up a pen afterwards and jotted a note… men… like… werewolves. 

Today it is warm enough to go outside in just a sweater (and, you know, pants), but gales of rain and hail keep rocking the building, so I’ve been going back and forth to the window, trying to gauge whether I can make a muddy speed-walk around the pond for half an hour in between cloudbursts. I’ve just eaten half a pound of leftover pasta, so it’s probably a good idea to at least try. I can shake off like a wet dog if my coworkers come around to see what my hair is up to later on.

I’m happy. I love the animals and the trees and the smell of the air. The Pearlridge mall is not going to lure me back into a bear trap. 

Some pictures from a walk down to the beach in front of my house over the weekend:

Learning is hard

I took down my thoughts on love because events transpired over the weekend that refreshed my cynicism like a cup of Waffle House coffee. 

The song can stay, though.

Right after declaring sleep delicious, I stood on the chairs in the studio to change the lights and then washed the upholstery with a salt solution to get the old stains out - using a wet cloth, and bare hands - and I poisoned myself with nicotine AGAIN.

Who needs sleep anyway? The clocks jumped forward an hour and it was perfectly fine getting up half an hour early and roaming the house at 4:30am. There is a fluffy white cat that visits the porch at that hour. There are no strays in this climate, so it is probably my neighbor’s cat - and I would definitely not try to steal my neighbor’s cat. Definitely not, I agreed to myself, putting a handful of the ravens’ cat kibble out for it.

My cousin gave me detailed instructions for fixing the dangling bare lightbulb over the urinal that is wired in through two walls, so I am learning how to install Romex connectors this week. Then, while dragging branches from a fallen tree into a pile in the yard, I found a fancy pillar lantern that is cracked in two and hanging over the fence. It still has lightbulbs in it, and I have no idea which switch is even supposed to operate it, so I guess I’m getting a voltage meter, too. All of this, and still no beard. The injustice.

I have been knitting doilies, for Reasons. One of them got out of control and I had to switch colors, because all I have is a pile of tiny dollar store skeins, and I hate the muddy rainbow effect on it but it was too much work to rip out, so I am stuck with it. Maybe I can soak it and leave it outside to dry, so it freezes into a deadly circular saw of ice to frisbee at the neighbors when they come to find their cat. 

Tomorrow is pay day, finally. The girl turns 13 next week, and I’ll be able to pick up baking chocolate and cake pans for her birthday. St Patrick’s Day is an observed holiday over here, so she is feeling pretty fancy and important. I’m going to try to make it a good one for her.

And I still don’t have a beard

I would look good with a beard. The older I get, the more I look like Benjamin Franklin. I am the “after” picture of a sad man who has shaved his beard off after 20 years and discovered his own jawline. My father can’t grow much of a beard, so I probably would have just looked like a patchy, hungover Benjamin Franklin anyway, but I still think it isn’t fair that I don’t get the chance to try. Well, hope springs eternal.

The weekend was full of learning and discovery, mostly in a way that cost me money and fucked up my carpal tunnel syndrome.

I learned how to replace a broken toilet button with a toilet handle, which led to me discovering that the flap doesn’t seal. In replacing the flap, I discovered that toilet floats can go bad. While trying to replace the toilet float, I discovered a wine cork shoved between the refill device and the wall of the tank. When I discovered the cost of replacing the entire refill/flap/float apparatus, I decided to just leave the cork where it was until payday.

All the door locks arrived in the mail, and I learned why you shouldn’t take off an old door knob, slide in the new latch bolt, and then close the door to see if it locks before you actually have the handles installed. 

I say “learned”, but I did it three doors in a row.

On the last door (the studio door, OF COURSE), I discovered that Himself decided to shove a doorknob into a hole that wasn’t lined up properly and then forced it into place at an angle and stripped the screw. Then I learned how much screw extractor drill bits cost. And how to fuck up a screw so badly with extractor bits (despite dutifully following demos on YouTube) that you finally just drill the head off it completely, yank off the doorknob cover, and finish unscrewing the damn thing with pliers. I learned that artful high-volume profanity is a byproduct of screw extraction, but not beard growth.

The house is secure, and the doors look nice. I even programmed a fingerprint lock and only got myself shut outside without a coat on twice. 

Also this weekend: replaced the window and door gaskets in the wood stove, assembled two bed frames, and put together two dressers. The house is looking more like a home, and I am proud of myself, even though I can’t feel my right hand, my armpit and elbow are buzzing in a way I swear I can hear, and my fingers look like I fed them to a beaver. You know how pliers have a sharp wire-cutter in the crotch of their handle? You can actually use those to pinch part of your index finger off if you try to use the pliers as a wrench and lose your grip while pulling on them. Also, box cutters don’t make good chisels. Look, I am broke, OKAY? This is why pirates have peg legs instead of orthopedic surgery, you just do the best with what you’ve got. I have plenty of fingers left. And anyway, I’m done installing doorknobs. All I have to do now is learn to cut a 2x4 to fix the studio door frame. If people can escape prison with a spoon, I can cut a piece of wood with whatever is in the garden shed.

I figured out how to enable photos again. 

DIY home biopsy skills

The ravens have figured out how to shell peanuts, and they cuss if I’m late putting them out.

(ravens = big guys with fat beaks, wedged-v tails, and smoker’s voices, crows = dainty guys with sleek beaks, rounded tails, and radio-announcer voices who loiter around until the ravens leave)

Ocean vanished into the snow

Oh yeah, before nearly sliding backwards off a cliff, we rescued a duck. 

He went back home after his legs thawed out.

Starting to look like a bedroom in here!

I am taking a break from home repairs/mishaps and just resting my hand for the rest of the week so I can paint again. Knitting seems to be ok, since it’s low-impact (also typing, evidently), so I frogged the bear-yoke sweater I was mangling and started over with something more classic. 

Aftonsol (or on Ravelry)

Maybe the beard will come with it.