Chattanooga Day 1

This is just a running list of notes because I have not slept in 100 years.

The trespassed meth addict who shot the library was passed out on the lawn when I drove by to drop the kids off at school. Called the cops and noped out. Leaving the state. Not my problem anymore.

Overnight: Sitting in the ass-end of the plane, I got the last piece of pterodactyl (chicken) and everyone else was stuck with tofu & broccoli with peanut butter sauce. Diabolical menu planning, A+ mask encouragement.

Culture shock: people in Chicago keep touching me, what the fuck is happening. Do we rest hands on people’s shoulders while talking now? Should I do this to the cashier at Dunkin Donuts?

Couldn’t reach cashier, she yelled SMALL CHAI LATTE into my face and handed me a tiny cup with a complicated-looking plastic lid that I solved like Algernon. The no-caffeine wagon rolled away with the 6 hour time change and I was not on it. Trying to avoid actual coffee unless I’m sitting next to a defibrillator.

Boarded a tin can to Chattanooga. While taxiing, the man next to me sneezed without covering his face. I launched him out the window and under the wheels of the plane. I have paid reservations for a whiskey tour on Friday, motherfucker.

Of all the things that have been ruined by automation, taxis are not one of them. You can still grab your bag, drag it to the curb, bump into a parked cab, and just ask it to take you somewhere. Beautiful. Did not get murdered, left a good review.

HOLY SHIT MY HOTEL. The porter has a waxed mustache. I am not fancy enough for this hotel. 

“How many keys do you want?” “One.” “Do you like champagne?” “No.” 

lol I’m so much fun

Luckily, I booked the peasant suite (state employee) and my view looks out at a brick wall. Feeling more at home.

Fired up the keurig and dumped hot coffee straight down my throat. Can’t go to sleep, got to stay up until night and adjust to time change. Going to work out, take a shower, and try to make my sleepless raccoon eyes look like a fashion statement for tonight’s ghost tour. Everyone will be very happy to find an apparition in their photos, but it will just be me, sorry.

GET OFF THE BED NO SLEEPING

Did my workout and whatnot, then stopped by the “flapper bar” for a 3pm beer (it’s a SANDWICH OK) and walked to the Moon Pie store. Bought so many Moon Pies for the kids. Almost had to fling them all at scary people like ninja stars on the way back. Lesson: travel in packs, do not go wandering off alone in a strange city with a buzz, holding an armful of moon pies.

Joined up with some other people from my hotel and walked over to the bbq joint for two hours of VERY LOUD LIBRARIANS drinking beer and saying swear words.

Ghost tour! Took a hundred photos of parking lots and abandoned buildings with zero ghosts in them (but I’m dutifully scrutinizing them for shadows and blobs), the group got yelled at by three homeless people for devilry. Tour guide was an amateur comedian and did the “am I right?” swagger while cracking jokes. We tipped her for survival skills alone.

Ghost horses are supposed to be down here 

Somehow I was always at the back of the pack, the person first to get eaten by wolves 

Is there a figure on the third floor of old Carnegie library? No.

No ghosts, just pretty balconies and sculptures

I am going to bed, spread out like a starfish on the big mattress. 

Tomorrow: MORE WALKING, oh no.