I haven't been feeling much about anything for a few years. My doctor suggested I was depressed and tried to give me something to help with the sadness, and I said no - I'm not sad. I'm not anything. I'm just resting here, it's fine. Moving along in this smooth space and wondering if nothing will turn into happy soon, while being relieved that miserable is over.
I've started being mindful to notice the happy when it happens.
* sat down with the family to watch a movie, handed Zenny a cup of decaf tea (mine is hot, hers is mostly milk and sugar). She sat with her ankles crossed and the cup up to her face, holding it with both hands and watching over the rim. She drank the whole thing and put the empty cup on a coaster. She looked like the two-year-old version of her twenty-year-old self, which she is.
* drove over a hill in the early morning, saw fog dragged across the farmland in layers of grey and purple. Elbowed Gavin. He looked up and said something about dragons. We drove down into the fog with the windows open so we could breathe the clouds.
* every day on the drive home, we swing the truck onto the small side road, and for ten seconds of acceleration the truck shimmies and rattles while Gavin and I say aaah and listen to our voices shake. When we take the car, there is no shimmy, but we both say aaaah when we hit the turnoff anyway, and then laugh about it. Leif is too absorbed in Calvin and Hobbes to notice, and looks up and says, "What? What's funny?" every time.
* the lilikoi vines cover our front windows. At about 5pm, the sun is low enough to get around the vines and hit the crystal hung in the window, and the livingroom fills with rainbows for 15 minutes. The kids and cats scatter, trying to catch them.
* in the summer the tree drops lychees, and in the winter the vines drop lilikoi. Some evenings we go outside and blow bubbles while the kids pile up fruit, listening to music.
* drawing.
* opening the slow cooker at the end of the day and guessing what I'll find inside.
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