Tonight I'll be putting on a black dress and going out with my mother and grandfather to eat dinner and see The Flying Dutchman. I'll even enjoy a margarita out of plastic stemware during the intermission.
Yesterday, Gavin and I went to the library to pick up my books for class, and arrived just in time for Toddler Storytime. I felt like such a proper parent. Afterwards, I spent most of my day reading Name Me Nobody, which was a very nostalgic trip back to high school in Hawaii - if my high school days had involved shoplifting diet pills. My assignment was to evaluate the figurative language in the book, but a more bluntly written piece of fiction you couldn't ask for. Somehow I'll have to write a paper on the couple of metaphors in the text. Or maybe I'll be talking about the lack of figurative language. Bluntly.
This last stage of my weight loss journey is taking an incredible amount of force and willpower. My metabolism has thrown up its arms and given up. I will try to keep going. Fraction of a pound by bloody fraction of a pound, if needs be. Sometimes I wonder when a hobby becomes an eating disorder, but I don't think I'm quite there yet.
But I'm lonely. I miss Mike, and I'm sad that we can't find the time to go out to dinner for our anniversary.
Friday, January 28, 2005
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Working girl
Yesterday I spent my first whole day working in the library. I opened up, checked in books, put the newspaper on their wooden rods, made hundreds of xeroxes, and talked with my very funny friend/boss over lunch. I showed her pictures of Mike and she said, "That's that cute guy from the movie theater!" Small island, huh?
By the end of the day, my boobs were painfully backed up. Gavin hurled himself at me as I came in the door, and I dropped to my knees and caught him. I think I'm in store for a lot of world's-best hugs throughout the years. He had a hard time nursing off all the milk, but slept like a rock through the night with a full belly. I frowned at the scale in the morning when it told me I had gained back one of the 2 pounds I had lost this week, but one look at my breasts told me where it was. I twirled around to admire myself in the mirror with comic book boobs, then hopped into the shower. As I was shampooing, I spotted a clumsy B-52 cockroach stumbling along the top of the shower nozzle. He dangled by one foot, trying to reach a bead of water, and I had just enough time to say, "Hey, stupid, use two legs!" before he fell on me. He survived my shrieks and flurry of limbs, and in the end I dropped a hair ribbon into the tub where he was paddling and pulled him to safety. He sat on the edge of the tub licking his legs clean until I flicked him in the butt and told him to get lost. Stupid roach. The cats are much better pets.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
cutting distractions
I need to get my shit together. I deleted a few e-mails and stopped logging into IM, and now I can breathe again. With regret, maybe, but I have other things going on that need my attention for now.
Mike gets to be the haggis bearer. This is a warm, reekin honor, and I feel proud. He'll dance his highland, drink his scotch, and deliver the chieftain of the pudding race to the hungry Scots. That's good for him.
$100 for a textbook. Yes. $100 for an object to thump myself in the head with for the next semester.
I'll survive.
Sunday, January 09, 2005
I've got to admit...
... it's getting better.
A fruitless trip to the mall. I tugged on a fitted leather jacket in the Harley Davidson store and admired it while Gavin kissed his reflection in the mirror. We didn't accomplish much today, but I did my good deed when I discovered that the clerk at 7-11 had given me too much change and I went back in to return it.
Mike spent the afternoon with his band, but came home to get his work uniform. He dropped off a copy of Napoleon Dynamite, so I guess we'll get to see what all the fuss is about. I thought about Brooke as I examined the character on the cover.
School starts tomorrow. I don't actually have class until Tuesday, but perhaps I'll be going to the library, where I can chat with the philosophy undergrad I work with.
A fruitless trip to the mall. I tugged on a fitted leather jacket in the Harley Davidson store and admired it while Gavin kissed his reflection in the mirror. We didn't accomplish much today, but I did my good deed when I discovered that the clerk at 7-11 had given me too much change and I went back in to return it.
Mike spent the afternoon with his band, but came home to get his work uniform. He dropped off a copy of Napoleon Dynamite, so I guess we'll get to see what all the fuss is about. I thought about Brooke as I examined the character on the cover.
School starts tomorrow. I don't actually have class until Tuesday, but perhaps I'll be going to the library, where I can chat with the philosophy undergrad I work with.
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I can't see what's wrong with me...
I found my Heavy mix, the tape I listen to in the car when nobody is with me because it would be too much like them watching me drive naked. I'm not even that much of a music fan, but this mix of Led Zeppelin, Alice Cooper, Deep Purple, and Janis Joplin can shine me up until I become a smooth blur.
I arrived at the library this way, and then went into my work trance. There wasn't a bad thought in my head, nothing outside of the job at hand and the people around me, until I clocked out and walked into the evening several hours later.
Ok, fine, I'm hurt. I'm mad and isolated and unable to summon up any kind of sympathy. Mike has no words to offer me. I don't know what I want him to say, but his tight lipped shrugging and helpless "I love you?" only make me more angry. I don't know what to do but ride this out alone, feeling like a sulky teenager - me against the world - pathetic and ridiculous and inconsolable. I need to take myself by the shoulders and shake it off, because this can't go on.
I arrived at the library this way, and then went into my work trance. There wasn't a bad thought in my head, nothing outside of the job at hand and the people around me, until I clocked out and walked into the evening several hours later.
Ok, fine, I'm hurt. I'm mad and isolated and unable to summon up any kind of sympathy. Mike has no words to offer me. I don't know what I want him to say, but his tight lipped shrugging and helpless "I love you?" only make me more angry. I don't know what to do but ride this out alone, feeling like a sulky teenager - me against the world - pathetic and ridiculous and inconsolable. I need to take myself by the shoulders and shake it off, because this can't go on.
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
The work begins
My first day in the library. I enjoyed several hours of training, learning how to retrieve media for patrons and how to shelf things back again. I enjoyed the low stress and easy pace of the work, allowing my mind to wander.
It wandered to last night, when my mother and I drove into town to pick up a man we had never met, the husband of an online friend of mine in Seattle. The fellow was definitely one of Our People, and we enjoyed a fun evening at Walmart (he needed stuff, I'm not that bad of a host). It was a shame to see him go, but someday he and his wife may return together to tear up the town with me.
My mind wandered to this morning, to the mostly-positive pregnancy test which thoroughly shook me, to the onset of my period, which ended it all. I can't say exactly how I feel about it at this point, but I'm ranging between tears of grief and sighs of relief.
But I filled out forms, read up on policy, took a tour of the building, and only thought about my knee when I bent down low to shelf a book. I ran to the car, just in time to join Mike on his trip to the dentist. Gavin was asleep, but his lip was swollen and cut where he had fallen on cobblestones at the mall. I fed him ice cream as Mike got the bad news about his broken tooth, and we drove home, quiet and ambivalent about the day.
And I don't feel like eating, and I wish I could be alone, one of the rare moments I wouldn't mind curling up on the floor with big headphones on and rage away quietly. But I'm hopeful, and tomorrow will be ok.
It wandered to last night, when my mother and I drove into town to pick up a man we had never met, the husband of an online friend of mine in Seattle. The fellow was definitely one of Our People, and we enjoyed a fun evening at Walmart (he needed stuff, I'm not that bad of a host). It was a shame to see him go, but someday he and his wife may return together to tear up the town with me.
My mind wandered to this morning, to the mostly-positive pregnancy test which thoroughly shook me, to the onset of my period, which ended it all. I can't say exactly how I feel about it at this point, but I'm ranging between tears of grief and sighs of relief.
But I filled out forms, read up on policy, took a tour of the building, and only thought about my knee when I bent down low to shelf a book. I ran to the car, just in time to join Mike on his trip to the dentist. Gavin was asleep, but his lip was swollen and cut where he had fallen on cobblestones at the mall. I fed him ice cream as Mike got the bad news about his broken tooth, and we drove home, quiet and ambivalent about the day.
And I don't feel like eating, and I wish I could be alone, one of the rare moments I wouldn't mind curling up on the floor with big headphones on and rage away quietly. But I'm hopeful, and tomorrow will be ok.
Thursday, December 30, 2004
Goodbye, Christmas
The tree is being reintroduced to its box at this very moment. Gavin, with the same efficiency he showed taking out the ornaments in the beginning, took down the ornaments and passed them to us for packaging. It was a great season this year, I'm sad to see it go.
Yesterday, Mike took us out too look for New Year's Eve supplies. We bought all the snacks in Costco and were very sad about their lack of drinkable beer. My mother dragged off a huge roast for us to gnaw on. Back at home, I sat around in my newly-clean living room (with thanks to my mother for taking Gavin out while I got the place in order) and zoned out in front of Robotech while my mother annoyed the neighbors by letting Gavin interact with their kids. After the boy was safe in bed, Mike and I snuggled up in front of Garden State while Invader Zim shrieked from my mother's bedroom upstairs.
Today we'll continue our hunt for Guinness, champagne, soda, and fireworks, as Mike winds up for his party tomorrow night at his drummer's house. We all hold out hope that Gavin will sleep soundly with Gabe's babies despite the noise, so that I may stay the night and be designated driver for Mike and my mom. Otherwise, I'm looking at a lonely New Year's Eve with the cats. We will see.
Yesterday, Mike took us out too look for New Year's Eve supplies. We bought all the snacks in Costco and were very sad about their lack of drinkable beer. My mother dragged off a huge roast for us to gnaw on. Back at home, I sat around in my newly-clean living room (with thanks to my mother for taking Gavin out while I got the place in order) and zoned out in front of Robotech while my mother annoyed the neighbors by letting Gavin interact with their kids. After the boy was safe in bed, Mike and I snuggled up in front of Garden State while Invader Zim shrieked from my mother's bedroom upstairs.
Today we'll continue our hunt for Guinness, champagne, soda, and fireworks, as Mike winds up for his party tomorrow night at his drummer's house. We all hold out hope that Gavin will sleep soundly with Gabe's babies despite the noise, so that I may stay the night and be designated driver for Mike and my mom. Otherwise, I'm looking at a lonely New Year's Eve with the cats. We will see.
Monday, December 27, 2004
Beyond Boxing Day
We spent most of the day washing our cars yesterday. Gavin refilled his little bucket over and over to help rinse the soap off. We vacuumed and dusted, then applied Santa's gift of Armor-al and RainEx. The cars look spiffy, and Gavin had a good time chasing the neighbor boys with his bucket.
In the evening, we packed up potluck food and went to the Boxing Day party at my aunt's coffee shop. Gavin enjoyed a big plate of pumpkin pie, the rest of us enjoyed roasted lamb, pomegranate, chicken salad, sushi, and rum-soaked figgy pudding. I even had a glass of scotch on the rocks, which I never do, and I remembered why. During the gift exchange, we scored a calendar of Scotland. Inspiration for Mike and I when considering our long-overdue honeymoon.
This morning I cringed when I stepped on the scale, and was surprised to see I had lost a pound. That makes 34 in all so far. It was a Christmas miracle, I think, considering the amount of chocolate I ate in 2 days.
Gavin puts glasses on his head to look like mama:
Gavin acts cool, practicing to be a teenager at the wheel:
Po is very impressed by Gavin's driving abilities:
Gavin helps daddy rinse the car:
In the evening, we packed up potluck food and went to the Boxing Day party at my aunt's coffee shop. Gavin enjoyed a big plate of pumpkin pie, the rest of us enjoyed roasted lamb, pomegranate, chicken salad, sushi, and rum-soaked figgy pudding. I even had a glass of scotch on the rocks, which I never do, and I remembered why. During the gift exchange, we scored a calendar of Scotland. Inspiration for Mike and I when considering our long-overdue honeymoon.
This morning I cringed when I stepped on the scale, and was surprised to see I had lost a pound. That makes 34 in all so far. It was a Christmas miracle, I think, considering the amount of chocolate I ate in 2 days.
Gavin puts glasses on his head to look like mama:
Gavin acts cool, practicing to be a teenager at the wheel:
Po is very impressed by Gavin's driving abilities:
Gavin helps daddy rinse the car:
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Christmas 2004
For the first time since I was a little girl, I had dreams of full stockings and woke up every hour until morning. When Gavin yawned and stretched, I poked him until I saw his eyes pop open, and jumped out of bed. Stockings! Presents!
Gavin made happy noises about everything he pulled out of his stocking, pausing to appreciate his new crayons and coloring book before dumping his candy on the floor. I did the same. We tore into the presents, which were mostly for Gavin. I was really happy to get a complete set of Robotech DVDs and photo printer, Mike loved his new iPod, my mom was happy to get a stereo for her own iPod, and Gavin got enough train track to circle the living room twice. Books, movies, t-shirts, and more!
When breakfast time came, my mother made eggs Benedict. We plugged in my shiny new brushed-steel toaster. "Something smells like burning paper," I said a minute later. "Well, it's a new toaster," my mom said uncertainly, but she looked inside and yelped, then unplugged the toaster and pulled a flaming warranty card out with a pair of tongs. We have half a mind to sent it to the manufacturer as a statement about packing paper inside toasters.
Breakfast was perfect, and we spent the morning lying around fatly while Gavin made gourmet plastic meals with his new microwave, stove, and dish sets. He poured us all "tea" and we sipped politely. We took pictures when Gavin painted his face with wet M&Ms and pretended he was a pirate, dropped him into bed when he fell asleep standing up, and watched the latest Harry Potter movie until he woke up.
That evening, as Mike headed to work, we escaped hosting the holiday meal by visiting my aunt instead. The boys played with Chris' toys and the adults lit the pudding on fire with a dowse of rum. Gavin and I fell asleep together as soon as we returned home, sleeping like logs until morning. It was a great day.
Gavin made happy noises about everything he pulled out of his stocking, pausing to appreciate his new crayons and coloring book before dumping his candy on the floor. I did the same. We tore into the presents, which were mostly for Gavin. I was really happy to get a complete set of Robotech DVDs and photo printer, Mike loved his new iPod, my mom was happy to get a stereo for her own iPod, and Gavin got enough train track to circle the living room twice. Books, movies, t-shirts, and more!
When breakfast time came, my mother made eggs Benedict. We plugged in my shiny new brushed-steel toaster. "Something smells like burning paper," I said a minute later. "Well, it's a new toaster," my mom said uncertainly, but she looked inside and yelped, then unplugged the toaster and pulled a flaming warranty card out with a pair of tongs. We have half a mind to sent it to the manufacturer as a statement about packing paper inside toasters.
Breakfast was perfect, and we spent the morning lying around fatly while Gavin made gourmet plastic meals with his new microwave, stove, and dish sets. He poured us all "tea" and we sipped politely. We took pictures when Gavin painted his face with wet M&Ms and pretended he was a pirate, dropped him into bed when he fell asleep standing up, and watched the latest Harry Potter movie until he woke up.
That evening, as Mike headed to work, we escaped hosting the holiday meal by visiting my aunt instead. The boys played with Chris' toys and the adults lit the pudding on fire with a dowse of rum. Gavin and I fell asleep together as soon as we returned home, sleeping like logs until morning. It was a great day.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
The Christmas Spirit strikes again
Merry X-mas, indeed. A big thank-you goes out to the folks who left us this life-sized holiday message spray-painted on our car! A fitting symbol of the season. Ho ho ho.
Assoles.
I have pulled on my new Christmas sweater and am prepared to spend one last day out shopping on Santa's behalf. We are hunting for foil-wrapped Chocolate Oranges.
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