dieting with gravel

Have been stuck at the same weight for the past 5 years. Decided (again) to just knuckle down and do the thing. Ramped up the weight lifting and rope jumping. Immediately gained 3 lbs. Screamed.

This week the scale finally began to tick downward again, and the thing that made the difference was swapping my lunch foods for dwarf bread. Similar to elvish lembas (in the way that rocks are similar to elvish lembas) dwarf bread is hard, gritty, and good in a fight. Just four of these Belvita Throwing Biscuits keep me from stomaching other food for hours.

And they cost much less than the fancy dietary bars which contain the same calories and nutrition. Wash it down with milk so you don't choke to death. You're welcome.

Am now anticipating a wave of granola ads in my sidebars. The eye of commerce has been watching. A few weeks ago, while the girl-child was on spring break, I told her we would go to the swimming pool after picking up the boys. So of course we drove all the way to the North Shore before realizing that we had forgotten her swimsuit on the coffee table.

"WE WILL BUY A SUIT," I said. "A PROMISE IS A PROMISE."

The closest stores were on the tourist strip in Haleiwa. None of the overpriced surf shops had little girls' suits. And why would they? Who forgets their kids' swimsuits on a trip to Hawaii? Every parent with a coffee table and a rush to the car, that is who. The closest thing we could find was a $50 pair of tiny toddler board shorts, which caused me to laugh very hard. We finally ended up at the overpriced-but-cheaper-than-board-shorts ice cream shop, where the kids were satisfied to pick out scoops of the worst flavors based solely on their color (blue) and pose with the photo props.

swimming ACHIEVED

By the time we got to the car, my sidebars were full of children's swimsuit ads. I had not posted anything about swimsuits. I don't have the friendface app. I didn't tag anything. My phone somehow leaked my goddamn beachy-tourist geolocation information to advertisers. In real time. The bastards. I share kind of a lot of stuff, obviously, but opting in has importance.

Off to the woods we go. To live off the land and hunt the wild granola bars, like our forebearers.


UPDATE: hours later

Goddamn it