So I'm going to add the really old rules as bonus points (source and source). I've been starving for 3 days so this sounds like a great idea or a terrible idea, I can't tell the difference anymore.
1. No spine-based animals AT ALL. Shrimpy-type creatures are ok on any day. No eggs or olive oil or cheese or cream.
2. No eating AT ALL on the first Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday - which doesn't seem fair because Lent doesn't even start until Wednesday, and what about all the little pancakes studded with coins to choke on for Fat Tuesday? It does say people "fast completely on Monday and then eat only uncooked food (bread, fruit, nuts) on Tuesday evening." If uncooked foods can be bread, bread can be pancakes, so there's your loophole, folks.
3. No alcohol except for weekends. If you are thinking, "What the shit? That is bogus, these monks INVENTED beer," don't worry, they had the same thought, and they added provisions for toasting saints on designated saint-honoring days. Which is every day. So if you're going to tide yourself over with a beer in the evening, look up the dead person du jour and you're fine.
4. TWO meals a day on weekends, not three, but you can use oil and booze as part of those.
5. CHEESE FARE WEEK. Wait, this one is actually good! The last week before Easter, you get all the animal fats. Eggs! Milk! Butter! Cream! Still one meal a day, but that meal can be a stack of pancakes, so keep that shining beacon steady in your sights.
I was going to get on the scale this morning and see how three days of fasting was paying off, but my scale broke. Just for me. It tells my kids how much they weight and then goes blank when I stand on it. I guess it's Catholic.
Also I have learned that "oil your hair and fast in secret" is a thing. So now that the ground rules are laid out, I will be shutten-uppening. I will not be oiling my hair, though.
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