"I feel like we're going backwards pretty fast," said Mike as he drove me to work. I had a lump in my throat as I opened the library, sliding back the rusted glass doors and looking out at the city. I tried not to over analyze it, whatever It was, but the more I tried to shrug it off, the more it felt like impending doom. "Counseling is the most fun you can have on insurance," Yuri insisted. I have a bad attitude about counseling. I don't even know what the problem is. Mike said he wanted to get back to a place where we could just be comfortable around each other again. I didn't even bother asking, You're not comfortable around me?
It is easier to get angry than to feel sad or scared. I'll buy a ticket to Arizona, run away, start over. Screw everyone, I can take care of myself, I don't need to answer to anyone. As if I wouldn't remember, or love, or still have sore joints every morning. Like it would be easier to start a new life than have an uncomfortable conversation.
Besides, dammit, I've actually been happy. Weighed down, under pressure, stressed out, and fighting panic attacks, but I actually love what I do, love my family, and have a few friends. Not too bad, really.
Now if I could just tell that to the lump in my throat and the pain in my heart.
you and mike won't last through 2006
ReplyDeletegame over
ah, the internet. Being anonymous always makes people into Oracles.
ReplyDelete...or trolls
ReplyDeleteWhat a horrible thing to say, Anon!
ReplyDeleteHolly, I empathize with you. Although Mark and I haven't really had "problems" that we've actually articulated to each other, I can totally relate to the internal conflicts that come with being married. Who knows? Maybe counseling would help. I haven't had much personal success with counseling, but sometimes it's helpful to talk to someone who isn't closely related to both of you and who can take a scrutinizing look at your relationship. And with Gavin in the picture, it may be worth it. Gawd knows sometimes I think I need it...
Thanks, Marie. I think we might be in similar boats here.
ReplyDeleteMy first reaction is always an emotional one. I felt better when I read my horoscope, because I realized that the Gods are just fucking with me:
"It takes a lot of energy to salvage something that hasn't worked from the beginning. It may be easier to start completely anew. An Aries can help you with this endeavor."
Ha ha ha! Shit, now I have to watch out for a horny Aries.
Marie,
ReplyDeletein the world (site, blog) where I come from people do much worse. They go so far as to troll people into oblivion. They make death threats. They run people off the site. They attempt to get others fired from their places of employment. They collect data and compile dossiers. They steal candy from babies -- all because of fights on the internet. But mostly they are just downright nasty and yet we all keep going back for more…because there is much good there too but it is almost inexplicable to articulate. I guess you could never understand but for all its faults it is an exciting place to post. For one thing there is so much traffic that the input one gets over there just comes from so many different perspectives, people, and continents. A talented person like Holly should not be wasting her time talking to the same 5 people, IMHO. In addition, I was just trying to teach Holly (and Mike) a lesson. That lesson being that *I* have the power to ruin their lives online. And that what happens online has real world consequences such as divorce for starters. What if, sitting here as I am 2200+ nautical miles from Hawaii I dedicated my entire life to trolling Holly and Mike? (Or just dedicate 10 minutes a day?) What would they do? What could they do? After racking your brain, realize that the answer is NOTHING! They would fight back but lose in the end and the stakes would just keep getting greater for all of us. Who wants that? I don’t. Been there, done that.
But you know what since you all seem so happy talking to the same 5 people and since this really isn't a community like the site I belong to but more a place for people to chronicle their lives (which is ok), and because Holly is hot and fairly intelligent, and because that little boy looks like a sweet kid, and because her husband is a dunce (or maybe they are just not a good fit), I won't bother you good folks anymore. But it is important to me that you know that people like me exist and that anyone can come along and disrupt this little zone at any time and there is nothing you can do about it. I mean I could post under a million names, create characters with distinct personalities, such that you would have no idea which end is down. Schizophrenia!! I could call out to the trolls like how Gotham puts that Batman light in the night sky and we could have so much fun. Why people would reveal where they go to school, work, etc., on the internet is a mystery to me. It seems soooooooooooo incredibly dumb! But then I guess you see some point to it. You know one can blog, post on sites, chat, without revealing such things...and I've never found that it detracts from the experience. I mean if someone in Australia wants to respond to me that's just as good (probably better given my ‘hood) as someone down the street. But this appears to be some kind of surrogate center for real world chatting (which is fine). Provincial but fine. On the plus side I can see that it is a convenient way to keep in touch with people who you actual know in the real world. Anyway, I think I will go back to being what I am, a good person, well known, loved, and loathed, in my little online sphere and leave you be. But before I go here's the unofficial theme song of all English-speaking trolls. Enjoy!!
Sometimes I feel
Like I don't have a partner
Sometimes I feel
Like my only friend
Is the city I live in
The city of angels
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I drive on her streets
'Cause she's my companion
I walk through her hills
'Cause she knows who I am
She sees my good deeds
And she kisses me windy
I never worry
Now that is a lie
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all the way
It's hard to believe
That there's nobody out there
It's hard to believe
That I'm all alone
At least I have her love
The city she loves me
Lonely as I am
Together we cry
I don't ever want to feel
Like I did that day
Take me to the place I love
Take me all that way
Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away
Whatever, dude. Chill. I wasn't judging you. I was just saying that was a horrible thought to think. You can say whatever you like, think whatever you want... just as I'm gonna say whatever I want to and think whatever I want to. But there is a way to say it tactfully. Yes, you are loved, and we all remain hopelessly flawed. Now go back to finding solace in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
ReplyDeletewhy should anyone sugarcoat it Marie?
ReplyDeletewhere was that "don't feed the trolls" sign that I saw on MT that looked like a hairy lesbian? I loved that.
ReplyDeleteok, ok, anon, we get it. Thanks for offering to back out and leave us to our happy little journaling. Bye!
ReplyDeleteTroll,
ReplyDeleteYou are no Charles Nemo. You are not even Rich Kynaka.
I bet you poop in a sock.
"'I feel like we're going backwards pretty fast,' said Mike as he drove me to work, neatly summing up our struggling conversation. Mike said he wanted to get back to a place where we could just be comfortable around each other again. I didn't even bother asking, What, you're not comfortable around me?"
ReplyDeleteSee, this is what I was talking about Holly. This is why I can't talk about these things. Because my articulation is as good as a foot in the mouth. Nothing I ever say in those conversations comes out right. It's not that I feel uncomfortable around you, but rather when we have these conversations I get uncomfortable because I know if I say anything, it will come out wrong. Just like today. And if I don't say anything then I'm shutting down. It's driving me nuts. I just want to be able to communicate clearly. I want to tell you how I feel, but it is so damn hard for me to do without screwing it all up. I'm sorry I can't communicate clearly. I am not trying to give you lumps in your throat or give you feelings of impending doom. I just want to be together.
This isn't something you're doing to me, or something I'm feeling because of what you said. I think we're both experiencing some sort of shift here, partly from not seeing each other, partly from both of us changing our image. Feels like we need to get to know each other again, and we don't have time. It's not your communication, bebe. It just happens. For some couples they just let the change grow and grow until they don't recognize each other anymore. We need a date or something. I can't wait for you to get your license so I can ride with you on the bike.
ReplyDeleteNo, really, I just get choked up when I think you're not happy. It's not your fault, and we can communicate in other ways than me putting you on the spot in the car.