January is a speeding truck

The boys have gone back to the mainland, the kids are back in school, and the house is slow and quiet. My car has gas again, the cups are back in the cupboard, and we're going through the normal amount of toilet paper (I understand now why people with multiple young men in a household stockpile toilet paper like they're prepping for the apocalypse). I'd rather have the people than gas, clean cups, and toilet paper, but it's okay. I’m glad they had a good visit and got home safe. 

Other news:

* Got a new storytime rug with Elephant and Piggie all over it, and I was so excited to show my library kids! They did not care, because it is a rug. But their parents were super impressed, I could tell.

* Saved a bird! It died. Disinfected everything, because bird flu has hit our town and I wasn’t actually supposed to save any birds in the first place, but I thought it might have just gotten chewed on by a cat or something.

* There are no eggs anywhere on the island (see: bird flu). People are lined up in mobs to get into the egg farm, rushing the grocery stores for whatever they can restock, hoarding eggs like they’re rolls of toilet paper. I am not taking an elbow to the face for eggs. It’s time to practice some vegan baking until I can figure out where our chickens are laying their eggs this week.  

* Dental adventures. Today I learned that if you go to the dentist to investigate a mysterious tender spot on the roof of your mouth, the dentist will stick a metal pin directly into it like a thumb tack so it’ll show up on an xray. Result: referral to a dental surgeon because there’s a problem in there, oh yay. It's going on your performance review, skeleton.

* Still have not bought a used truck, because ever since paying off my car I have been handing that money over directly to our dentist every month. Add anything to your take-home pay and a sink hole of expenses will immediately open up under it. 

* Tried to take a picture of the full moon in a deep blue sky over silver-rimmed clouds with a single star and two pointy trees - "wow so pretty, this could be a nice painting" - and walked through a wall of crab spider webs in the dark. 

* Movies: Nightbitch. Please Don't Destroy: the Treasure of Foggy Mountain. I've got "Hundreds of Beavers" queued. 

* Art stuff: I've been working on some small paintings, and submitted an application for a scholarship to travel to Scotland for a painting/research trip. Also re-joined the Association of Hawaii Artists so I'll get emails about local shows to participate in. Throwing some mud at the wall to see if it sticks. 

Joyce

The new year is off to a rocky start. 

On Saturday, 10 minutes before storytime, a man we know came up to the desk, looking upset. Ivan is deaf, and the long-time partner of one of our best library friends, who we knew was having a long and difficult recovery from pneumonia. We hurried over to him, and he held up his phone, where he had typed: Joyce died this morning at 12:43am at the hospital. It was a punch in the gut. We all started crying, my coworker came around the desk to hug him. He vocalized and gestured, trying to tell us how it happened - he was sleeping... he got a call... he was not with her when she passed - but his hands were shaking too much to type out more. Joyce has been part of the library family since before I started working here, she organized the library art shows, made beautiful scrapbook-style book marks to give away at the desk, and gifted us books of stamps at the holidays because she worked as a postal carrier until she retired. She loved Ivan fiercely - they found each other later in life, after their children were grown. She was with him through his fight with cancer last year. Surviving all of that and then losing your partner is unspeakably cruel. 

He sent this picture:

Joyce, you will be deeply missed.

Annual Questionnaire 2024

1. What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before? You think at 44 you're all done having new experiences, and then life says "lol watch this".

At least I didn't have to experience my first colonoscopy - which they just lowered the age for by 5 years. You have to catch me first, doctor.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions?  I wanted to get more fit, so YES. I FINALLY DID A RESOLUTION. This means I win and don't have to do any ever again. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? A cream pie? In this economy? 

4. Did anyone die? No, despite all my mental energy. 

Nonhuman: I think I killed one of my chickens by making friends with a monarch butterfly caterpillar, which she might have eaten. I'm so sorry, Tiny. 

5. What places did you visit? I went to Baltimore and took a lot of pictures of embarrassed-looking statues covered in snow. Spent a weekend on Maui with friends B & G, which was very wow. Tried a new restaurant near the airport that was pretty amazing.

6. What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024? My kids are almost all grown up and I still haven't taken them to any of the places I used to live - Molokai, Arizona, Newfoundland. I will get on a plane with these children this year, somehow. 

7. What moments from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory?  HEY, maybe don't leave a motion-activated camera on the table while your husband is home alone. 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  I got two paintings into the annual juried gallery show, and illustrated two books. Did book signings at Barnes and Noble and everything. 

9. What was your biggest failure?   I still have not finished painting the house. Also we didn't trim the lychee tree, so when fruit season hit, the branches got so heavy they broke off and crashed on the roof.

 

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?   Only emotionally. And physically. Thought I was going to get murked by a tree, for one.

 
11. What was the best thing you bought?   A computer, so I can finally write a book! Also I paid for a 10 hour video of Carlo Russo doing Dutch floral painting demos, and it changed my whole year of painting (and had me walking around the neighborhood with pruning shears down the back of my pants to poach flowers), so that was money well spent. Got a pair of novelty articulated bat wings that flap when you pull the strings, and it was the best Halloween trick ever.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?  Leif got a paying job as a CNC machinist with his robotics team, making him already qualified to earn more than me when he gets out of high school. Annoying. I'm proud of him. 

Gavin had a girlfriend and took her to Niagara Falls. It's long distance, and I think they might have broken up already, but I'm glad he met someone he connected with. Long distance relationships are hard, you get burned out from texting constantly and realize you're basically having a relationship with your phone, so sometimes the breakup is just one person dumping their device. Maybe they can reconnect in person after university.

Zenny joined two extra-curricular groups - cheerleading and a girl's gaming/coding club - and went to overnight summer camp for the first time. She hit her tween growth spurt, shot up 5 inches, and started reading manga. I'm having feelings about my last baby turning into a teenager, but she's pretty great.

 
13. Whose behavior made you appalled? lol

 

Honorable mentions:

    

Drunk Wife crashed my grandfather's walker AGAIN and broke her wrist. Then she decided to cut back on drinking, so she switched from beer to whiskey. 

Back in January/February one of my longtime friends (Mike the Marine, who boarded in our house for a couple years when I was in college) disappeared; we usually exchanged memes and short texts a couple times a week, but then suddenly he went silent and his social media was deleted. Last time that happened my friend had died, and I knew M. had a medical condition, so I was worried, texting "Are you okay? Are you in the hospital? Getting concerned". He finally called and explained: he had been cheating on his wife, got caught, and wasn't going to talk to women anymore. Oh. It was a big disappointment, because I didn't realize I was a woman, I thought I was a friend of 30 years. And I thought he had a code of honor. 

14. What did you get excited about? The "under $5" fancy cheese bin at Whole Foods.

15. What song will always remind you of 2023?  

Here are some of the songs I listened to while painting out my feelings:

Before therapy:

After therapy:

 

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? Both. Rolled a 20 for confusion.
b) thinner or fatter?  Kind of a lot thinner. My stomach looks like an empty nutsack. It did its job and accommodated 3 babies, so I'm pleased with its performance, but I'm trying all the firming creams anyway.
c) richer or poorer?  Paid off my car and Zenny outgrew afterschool care, so I'm two monthly payments richer. Still can't afford all the household bills on one income, damn it.

17. What do you wish you’d done more of? I wish Past Me was better at making money, because Future Me and Present Me have zero interest in hustling, we just want to paint and bake fancy desserts.

18. What was your favorite TV program?   The latest season of Fargo. Also Mrs & Mr Smith, and Insecure. Favorite single episode was Demon 79, from season 6 of Black Mirror.

19. What was the best book you read? 

The Circle, by Dave Eggers, messed me up. I had to buy my own copy. And delete my twitter account.

The Eyes and the Impossible, a kid's book, also by Dave Eggers. 

Really liked Starter Villain, by John Scalzi, too. I'm reading Old Man's War by John Scalzi right now.

20. What did you want and get? A beverage fridge. I was listening to Morbid and Ash said they were a "beverage household" with a selection of fancy low-sugar sodas, bubbly water, and bottled teas so guests could just help themselves to something nice, and that sounded like a pretty damn good idea to me. I always liked going to friends' houses and discovering their parents stocked up on snacks and drinks. So I did that thing, and it is, in fact, pretty great. And the kids are making bank on the recycling. (Had to quit buying coffee to make room in the budget, but I was only drinking decaf anyway.)
 

21. What did you want and NOT get? As of this writing, I still do not have a truck. 

22. "So! How's your love life?"

I don't know. It's doing something. 

23. What was your favorite film of this year? Fall Guy.

 

 

 

24. Did you make some new friends this year?   I think my therapist likes me...?

25. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? A raise that matched the cost of living.

26. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2024? The futile search for all the outfits Mabel and Loretta wore in the latest season of Only Murders in the Building.

If anyone sees a Simon Miller "Wendel" geometric mesh top, DM me

Settled for cheaper mesh tops and giant wide leg pants with pointy boots.

Work toilet fit check

27. What kept you sane? A huge stack of handwritten notebooks that I cockroached from my mom's house.

28. Which celebrity/public figure were you into? Oh no, it was Ryan Gosling.

 

29. What political/news issue stirred you the most?  LUIGI. Also Moo Deng and Pesto. 

Here is my collected list of stupid headlines that somehow made it onto the front page of CNN this year:

  

KPHO/KTVK: Husky escapes kennel for midnight snack

WLS: Rat imprint on sidewalk becomes viral sensation

WBBH: Suspect steals Snoop Dogg bobblehead

CNN: Rescuers believed pair of vultures were dying but they turned out to just be drunk

WJCL: Emotional support gator disappears in Georgia

KGO: Dog surfing competition saved by donations

CNN: I just don’t get why people enjoy eating chicken

KPTV: Posters ‘ban’ ghost summoning in park

ABC: Chicago's famous 'rat hole' removed and preserved from neighborhood sidewalk

Border Patrol intercepts 700 pounds of bologna

WHSV Family discovers 84-year-old biscuit

KSHB Tattoo artist uses ink to raise money

30. Who did you miss? 

I missed my college kid, and I worry about growing farther apart as he starts his own life. 

I missed an old boyfriend a bit. (Not you, S, get off my blog.)

31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024. If you're feeling overwhelmed and confused, go with your gut, not your brain or your heart. 

Christmas 2024

We've finally got the hang of this thing.  

Christmas Eve is my big day. Cinnamon rolls for breakfast, holiday movies, music, card games, baking. I hit the kitchen as soon as the breakfast dishes were done. Our new fridge had been delivered the day before, and I was happy every time I looked in it, even though it's a narc and reports to an app exactly how many times you opened the doors throughout the day (162). You can lock it remotely, too. Might have to find its brain and put an ice pick through it.

The trick to making a bûche de Noël is to fold in the meringue gently so it stays light and fluffy, be careful not to overcook it, roll it up tightly in parchment while it's still hot enough to burn your fingerprints off, wait until it cools completely to unroll it, and then watch as it breaks apart anyway. Well, shit. I glued the pieces back together with cream filling, covered it in ganache, smashed chunks of chocolate "bark" all over it, and dusted the whole thing with powdered sugar. It looked like a rotting log that someone sat on, but I served it anyway. Cake is cake.

Well it looked worse while I was assembling it

The roast beef and Yorkshire pudding made up for the yule log. Every month I put money in the Christmas dinner budget until I have enough saved up to buy the biggest hunk of prime rib at Costco, and it is probably the best financial decision I make all year. 

The elves had a hard time hiding pajamas under all the pillows with people crowding the house, but they came through while I herded all the kids to the table for dinner. By 10pm, everyone was fed and full of eggnog and shut into their bedrooms, and we got down to business.

The kids slept until 5:45am, a holiday miracle. We had two extra people this year; Gavin's best friend, visiting from Idaho, and my aunt, who shipped her sons off to visit their dad. My mom was very happy to sit by her sister, open gifts, and watch everyone laugh over their presents. It was probably the noisiest, busiest Christmas morning we've had. It was really nice to have everyone all together - even though I decided it was a good idea to give people things like an Aztec death whistle, shrieking Tesla coil, and motorcycle bells. Sorry, neighbors, that’s what you get for blowing off aerial fireworks at bedtime. 

I thought the Tesla coil was a speaker that made electricity dance to music like one of those cute lightning balls that reacts when you touch it. Instead, it SCREAMS the music at 100 decibels in buzzing electrical pulses and shoots lightning right at you. I was cry-laughing with my face in my hands while the boys played sea shanties on it.

In the afternoon we drove over to my mother's house for meat pie and plum pudding. She knocked everything out of her cupboard, broke the gravy boat, and started swearing and throwing things, so I had to chase her out of the kitchen with a broom and put her in time out on the couch while I cleaned up, but after that the evening went smoothly, and we used the last of the high-octane rum to blast the pudding off the table.

After dinner, Leif and I walked to get the car, which we had parked across the street by the shopping center, and a stray cat came trotting up and flopped at Leif's feet, purring. "It's Baby Jesus!" Oh no. There is a cat colony in the parking lot, cared for by a lady who comes by with food every night, and this guy must have been late for dinner. I ran back to get a can of cat food. Baby Jesus really likes wet cat food, or he wouldn't keep showing up like this every year. In Newfoundland, Baby Jesus was more into whiskey, and snuck in with the mummers to sing at doorsteps.

It was a really good Christmas. We're feeling time run out on these days, knowing that in a few years we'll have to travel to be with the kids instead of waking up with them all at home. I want to keep them all, including the extra 21 year old. 

Back to work. It's all explosions and drunk neighbors until NYE now. Happy Holidays, everyone.

22

For the first time ever Gavin wasn't home for his birthday, and spent it taking final exams in Rochester. We sent him a gift card and a hot meal delivery, and I baked a cake for him when he flew home the next day. All the cats came running out to climb him like a tree when he got in and dropped his bag full of Trader Joe’s candy.

He's now the same age I was when I had him, which is a really weird feeling. He's in his last year of university, has a long-distance girlfriend, drives his own car, and doesn't really know what he wants to do after graduation. His friends are scattered around the country, and the job market is terrible. Nervous for him.

Love this guy so much. I hope year 23 exceeds expectations and everything comes together for him, with a job, a home, a partner, and a kitten. 

Happy birthday, baby boy.

slow down

The boy and I are sick on the couch, watching Kingdom and eating banana bread. Just seasonal ick, nothing requiring a week of quarantine. 

On Sunday my mom came up. We went over the bridge, through the botanical gardens, and down the road a bit to a crowded driveway with a few shabby houses crammed together and an open house sign. The realtor didn't even bother coming in with us, just shrugged and said, "It's a project, sold as-is." The house was almost small enough to stand in the middle and reach the doorframes of both bedrooms, the bathroom, and the kitchen. The windows were broken, the ceiling punctured, the roof leaky, the porch steps falling down, and the bathroom was an ombre of black mold speckling down to peeling white paint. "That's why it's so cheap." It was $580,000. Christ.

My mother has finally had it with her HOA and asshole neighbors. She can pretty much trade sideways when she sells her place, since the equity is about as much as the (lower end) home prices, but I'm hoping we can find something a little more livable.

So while she is talking to realtors and going to open houses, I have been trying to buy an affordable old truck for hauling lumber/junk so we can move her out and fix up her place to sell. We're getting an extra 22 year-old for the holidays (Gavin's best friend), and he's an auto mechanic, so it's a good time to get a beater truck that might need some work.

And that is why I’m glad to be laying around watching Korean zombies with my kid for a bit longer, before the heavy work of the holidays and home repairs start.

Recipe for banana bread below. I make a half batch most of the time. I’ve made a lot of banana bread recipes, and this one is hands-down the best. You can tell, too, by the stained page and crusty years-old bits of banana stuck to it. The dirty pages in cookbooks are the best ones.

manifest this

I was just in the middle of browsing online graduate degree programs, thinking I could switch careers and make more money if I got a second Master's in criminal justice or forensic psychology or something, when my email dinged with a message from the gallery. One of my paintings sold! It was the one with the swearing in the title. I priced it ridiculously high, too, so I am kind of shocked. Well. If the art world wants me to paint portraits and swear a lot, I humbly accept.

Fuck you, grad school. I'm a big time fancy artist now.

Now I just have to do it about 20 times/year. Maybe not quitting my day job just yet, but feeling encouraged.

Thanksgiving 2024

Hey, we did this thing again, and it went pretty well. The food was good, the cousins were cool, my aunt gave me a waffle maker, and nothing got broken or burned.

The worst thing that could be said about this year's holiday was that my oldest son - who drove down to his aunt's house from Rochester - spent it at the same dinner table as my arch enemy. We know this because she bombed FaceTime while Mike was on with his mother, and his soul left his body. Sadly, nobody accidentally knocked her down the stairs. Maybe for Christmas. 

At our house, everyone pitched in, and the smaller-than-the-cat turkey was pretty amazing. We used to buy for size, but I just don't like leftover turkey, it reminds me of the cadavers in the morgue I studied in art school. This one was more like a giant chicken. I brined it for about 6 hours, and WHOA. Worth it. Buy ten-pound birds, folks.

After everyone was gone, I was down in the studio, painting and typing and laying on my couch. I got a turntable stand instead of a book shelf for storing all the notebooks I cockroached from my mother's house, and the vinyl display racks are perfect for drying paintings. 

Got a new vase for my birthday, and started another floral painting. 

And in between, I've been transcribing. I'm already up to 12,000 words, not even halfway through the first notebook. The average novel is 100,000 words, so if her rough drafts are coming in around half that, it'll be easy fleshing it out into a book. Really enjoying the process.

Feeling kind of happy.  

45

The annual picture post.

My neck is starting to lose structural integrity, it's clinging with everything it's got to the bottom of my face. I gained weight after my surgery/medication a couple Decembers ago, and it took all year to get it off again. This body went up a mountain, into a waterfall pool, around and around my studio, up and down in front of glute exercise videos, stomping around in snow in Baltimore, and flying through the air at 10,000 feet with a quick stop in Colorado. It was a good year for having a body. Not as good a year for having a heart, but it kept hammering away anyway, so it's doing its best.

Studio is still a work in progress, I haven't gotten to putting things back on those shelves yet

All my limbs are still on so far, didn't lose any teeth

Happy birthday, meat sack.

b flat

Last night in the Costco parking lot, we parked the car and I hopped out the passenger side, walking a few steps ahead of Mike as he got out and locked the doors. There were no cars approaching as we stepped off the curb, but then headlights raked over us and I looked back to see that a driver in a big black truck was taking a fast turn toward us while looking over his shoulder at the gas pumps. I reached back and yanked Mike out of the way just before he got mowed down. The driver looked at us, too late, with an "oh shit" look on his face.

"That guy was going to kill you!" my first thoughts said out loud.

"Wow, I'm a big damn hero," my second thoughts said, also out loud, and Mike put his arm around me.

"Huh, I didn't even think about letting him run you over and collecting your life insurance policy," my third thoughts said, ALSO OUT LOUD. 

He gave me a squeeze, "We won therapy!" 

"DONE. DID IT."

We bought an unhinged amount of cheese for the holiday. "Live while we're alive!" 

And that is the second time I have saved this man. The first was in 2001, when I got impatient waiting for him to move out to Hawaii and convinced him to fly stand-by a day early, so he did not board his flight from Newark on the morning of September 11. 

Never mind that he wouldn't have been in either place if it wasn't for me. And never mind that he probably could have survived getting run over by a Tacoma in a Costco parking lot. I'm still telling our therapist, and I expect a cookie.