Auuuugh

Bikini wax. We knew where this was headed the minute we opened the jar.

"Pain and irritation free!" Ha ha ha. My mom was on the phone with her sister, periodically walking by the bathroom and laughing at us between screams. Very helpful. Gavin, busy with his trains, poked his head in a few times and said, "What are you guys doing?" "We're pulling mommy's leg hair off with hot wax, sweetie." "Why you do that?" "Well, we don't really know. It's Wednesday night, what else do you do?"

What I have learned about hot wax:

1. Let it cool a little
2. Blood makes it hard to re-stick a spot, so you better do it right the first time
3. Fast. Do it fast.
4. Bikini wax doesn't work so well on knees and toes for some reason
5. It works great on men's nipples
6. Don't get any on the cat
7. Don't believe the box about anything. Ever.
8. The "soothing cream" was designed to add insult to injury
9. Be frugal with the cloth strips, they don't give you enough, probably just to have a laugh

Having run out of strips, we went to bed. Mike was missing patches of fur. I was covered randomly in rashy bumps. We changed Gavin into his jammies and brushed his teeth, then he ran into my mom's room for his nightly wind-down routine. While Mike washed up, I got in my jammies and spread out on the bed - unfolding a suspicious rumple of blanket with my foot and sliding my leg straight through a hidden pile of fresh kitten poop.
 

Perfect.

Scotch and Scones

Everyone loves a society bash! We arrived in style, chatting over cocktails with other Scottish folk before dinner. My mom's sweetie, Ron, was decked out in his kilt and military regalia, seated across from an adorable tiny old catholic priest who happens to also be an ex-marine. They didn't like each other.
"I always wanted a son like him," said the Father to the man next to him, indicating Ron. "A nasty, nasty son. Just look at him. Hey!" he called across the table, "What are you doing sitting way over there?"
"If I was sitting any closer you'd be kicking me under the table," said Ron.
"No, no... I'd hit you with my belt buckle."
"You hit me with that belt buckle and you're not getting it back."
"You see how nasty he is?"

Gavin teamed up with another 3 year old boy, who's mother was wilting with frustration by the end of the night as her (usually sweet) son screeched, kicked, snatched toys, and knocked over things while Gavin stared at him in concern. There were some older kids who herded the two little boys to a quiet corner and kept them busy. Maybe having an older kid and a little kid would work out pretty well. Hmm.

Pictures:

All dolled up for the dinner:



Mike wears his new kilt shirt:



Gavin discovers the kiddie table:

Gavin vs Chris

My son has a nice dark sense of humor, and my cousin does not.

"I got a boo boo on my hand," bragged my cousin in a whine.
"Oh no, we'll have to cut it off. Then we'd have to cut off the other one to make it even," I said.
"No!! I don't want you to cut off my hands!!" shrieked Chris.
Gavin cackled happily.

"Gavin! Eat your meatballs or I'll tie you to the ceiling fan and beat you with a stick!" I said.
Gavin says through a mouthful of meatball, "I go round and round, hit hit hit hit! Ha ha ha"
Chris throws down his fork in horror, "Noooo!"

Where did this child come from?

koi door

138 (cookies)

Gavin crawled under the coffee table at the goodbye party and sighed heavily. The RSCDS reminisced about the 15 years they had been coming up to the apartment for drinks and snacks every summer, my mother's sweetie started a discussion about the Da Vinci Code (he likes to throw grenades, and our group is a mixed bag of non-religious and catholics). The curmudgeon in our group was not happy with his return to our dance group, rolling her eyes as he cracked jokes and joined the dances.

The kid and I were glad to go to bed. I woke up before the birds, tip-toed into the bathroom (watching out for cat poops) and washed up. First day of school. Yesterday I spread out a door-sized sheet of dark green construction paper on the library floor and stared at it for a good 10 minutes before going at it. I cut out water from white paper, glued an orange cutout of a koi on top of it, decorated the paper with bright red and yellow flowers, and went into detailing with a sharpie. I used my white-out to create highlights across the scales. Taped it up, and now my door is so cool. Teachers poked their heads in all day to ask, "Did you draw that?" which confused me because it was a collage, but it was nice anyway. Today I need to carve the school's name into 6 large pieces of audio equipment, so I get to have at it with a power tool. Watch out.

party party

Late in the afternoon, Mike pulled out an image disc given to us years ago by "Pee-ah an' Ch'ysa" (hey, you guys have two syllables now!) and we browsed pictures of Lake George with Gavin. He squealed at all the pictures of himself as a chubby baby, said we should go there and never come back, and commented, "Ooh, mom real real fat! Mom has a baby in hers." Hrm. At any rate, it was cool that he got the vibe off the place, I wonder if he remembers it at all.

The garden party was held in Ron's back yard, a suburban oasis at the base of the river, with a waterfall and swimming hole surrounded by forest. In the middle of Kaneohe. Weird. The cabana was perched on a cliff, with a rope leading down to the water. We dragged chairs in front of the drop-off to block it and took up posts on the other side with Gavin. The food was lovely, and Gavin and I rolled in the yard for a while before the conversation turned drunkenly to right-wing politics and we made a graceful exit.

ugh

6:00am. Threw workout clothes in car, hopped in. Turned key. Flashy yellow engine light. Opened hood (now expert at opening hood, no longer fumbling idiot), discovered that I forgot to screw the cap back on the yellow bubble thing that holds the coolant. Poured dregs of pre-mixed antifreeze in bubble, not even making it up to the minimum line. Confessed mistake to Mike, who directed me to drive straight to the convenience store and buy more coolant before going to work, being sure not to overfill it as it will be hot and bubbly or something. Drove to nearest gas station, which had no coolant. Drove to 7-11, sulked over lack of pre-mixed coolant, stood in line with gallon of anti-freeze and a Diet Coke, getting nods from men who thought I was a girl who could handle car things. Had them snowed. Went back to car, partly filled empty coolant jug with water, poured in coolant with skill of trained chemist. Shake shake shake, into little yellow bubble thing, presto! Screwed top back on. Am car-savvy woman of the world. I hate cars.

Almost didn't have time for morning workout. Hopped on cross-ramp beside embarrassed-looking man (why are cross-ramps considered chick machines and treadmills not? Both move legs without getting anywhere), then covered machines quickly, pleased to be able to hike the bench press up another 10 pounds. Not yet pressing body weight, but close. Watched the other working women put on makeup while I pulled on my jeans and tank top, decided to go to work au-natural, since nobody would see me clearly anyway, for reasons to follow.

Drove to dark, powerless school. Electricians at work digging up cables, searching for fried mongoose to blame for crisis-level power blowout. Teachers entered dark library all day, asking, "What do you have in the way of pirate books?" "Where are all the Magic Schoolbus books?" and other questions while I pretended to type queries into my dead computer. Rummaged through shelves by memory and wrote down barcodes on xerox paper with nubby pencil, very high-tech and resourceful back-up circulation method. Ate a lot of fruit. Doodled a bit.

Friday night! No work on Monday! Am preparing to set table for dinner and go see Cars movie with anxious toddler. Feel like baking, but must not. Have gained a pound so far this week, but have shrunk. Hoping this means muscles.

Friday!!

soap curry and yoga

Yesterday I suffered self-loathing over bad scale reading. Decided to drown sorrows in tea at Volcano Joes, and adorable idiot waitron gave me 2 cups by mistake. "You want the second one anyway, since I already put the tea bag in?" he grinned, eliciting a stupid flutter of eyelashes from me as I scooped them up and trotted back to my table. Complained to Mike about my body image while automatically dumping 6 packets of Splenda into the first cup of tea. Would have put in more had they been on the table. Slapped forehead, drank it anyway, pausing to pour the second cup in to dilute the sweetness halfway through. Mike mopped up the puddles and patted me. 

This morning felt embarrassed and vindicated as 2 pounds dropped off. Probably temporary fluctuation from all that darn salt on my crab poke Sunday night, bah. Spent morning at Emporium of Evil (Walmart), shopping for luggage and underpants. Found snappy red luggage set (Gavin wheeled the little suitcase up and down the aisles eagerly, "My suitcase for Lake George! I put aaaall my choos choos in here") and then noted alarming absence of  my favorite kind of underpants. What has the world come to? Sulked out of underpants section and into toys, where Gavin got very excited about Cars movie merchandise. He eyeballed all the giant remote-controlled toys before picking up a small matchbox-sized model of the main character (hey, he's not greedy). Besides the "never say no if he asks for produce" rule, there is also a "never say no if he asks for books" rule, and so he made it out with two Cars books as well. I am a sucker. 

Made cookies with butterscotch chips, then destroyed dinner. Thai curry tasted like Palmolive. Threw rice in pot with ground turkey and peanut butter sauce instead, leaving soapy curry on stove to think about what it had done wrong. Notice that it has still not thrown itself away. Pulled on my yoga pants and went to the gym. Twenty seconds into my drive, the engine light flashed on and I was under the hood on the side of the road tipping anti-freeze into the little yellow bubble thing. Got back in car and chewed on fingernails - wondered suddenly if the anti-freeze residue on my fingers would crystalize my kidneys and kill me. How long would that take? My mouth tingled. Maybe my tongue was crystalizing, signaling the disintegration of my cellular structure and sudden death. Arrived at gym alive. The substitute instructor was a small Barbie-shaped woman who laughed at her own jokes. She threw aside the microphone and chose to yell out the poses instead, leaving us all straining in place while chatting leisurely about proper positioning and yoga theology. Still, I felt a bit more optimistic as I left, having visions of magical morning yoga on the terrace of Lake George. Plus, the rolled mat would make a great pillow on the plane after I am flatly sedated by mini bottles of Bacardi. I hate flying. 

Contemplating chucking curry over the fence before pulling off my yoga pants and going to bed.

on an island in the sun...

We went out to the state fair after a morning of birthday shopping for my mom. Gavin enjoyed himself even though he is very serious, and Chris went into a manic frenzy. We all had a blast. I did not eat a fried twinky. Fleeced but happy, we headed home as the sun went down and the family (minus mother and Ron, who are on date) is watching cartoons with Subway sandwiches. Lovely. And I have no work tomorrow! Hellooo beach.

"You'd think my dentist was really good looking,"

"considering how much time I spend there." I signed in late to work. The kids were tugging at their leashes, waiting for the afternoon bell to set them free for the summer.

My morning was spent in the dentist's chair. As she jammed in biting blocks, drills, bits of cardboard, and minty goop, I imagined all the things I would rather have in my mouth. It took hours. I lifted my book and read snippets from the corner of my eye while the violent dental assistant attacked me with her sucky nozzle.

I almost hit a lady in an SUV pulling out of 7-11. She appeared out of thin air, probably pulling on to the main road from the fast food joint across the street as the road cleared at the same moment as me. She honked and braked and screamed out her open window, then tailgated me for 2 miles squawking and gesturing and honking until the road divided and she could zoom up beside me to yell at me. I looked at her sideways from behind my stupidly oversized glasses and sipped my Big Gulp. She looked nice enough, except for the frenzied cursing. Reminded me of a squirrel I had once startled, who chased through the park.

I arrived at school and the kids swarmed me, hugging me and shoving yearbooks into my hands for signing. One of my library regulars said goodbye with real tears in her eyes, leaving forever to a new school. I told her she was wonderful and waved her off. Spent the afternoon shelving and singing along to Janis Joplin.

Mike is sick. He is stuck on the couch with a pile of rented movies. I put on a dish of bread pudding with caramel whiskey sauce to bake, enjoyed tight hugs and hard kisses from my baby, and am getting ready for dancing tonight. Tomorrow I get to spend time in my empty library after a morning workout. I am pretty happy these days.


Gavin and Chris at party on Sunday:

Me with a borrowed child:

Memorial Day Weekend

I have already crushed my new bug-eyed sunglasses. I wore them anyway while I watched the school talent show, scooting away from the sun in the shade of the building as I sat on the steps with the office staff. The kids sang, smashed, and tumbled through the morning. One of the boys came out with a can of kerosene and a lighter, pulled off his shirt, and lit a double-ended torch for a fire spinning routine. Fan-freakin-tastic. His mother hung to one side with a wet towel, but he did not light his shorts on fire. "A huuuuuge improvement from last year!" the teachers said as they clapped wildly.
 

I really like these kids. From the older girls who hijacked the sound system to play Black Sabbath and Nirvana to the little guys who ran up and sang the "Llama" song ("did you ever see a llama kiss a llama on the llama llama's llama tastes of llama llama llama DUCK!"). They're cool.

Party
Memorial Day Weekend was a lot of beach, shopping, ice cream, zoo, sunscreen, movies, popcorn, and barbecue. Yesterday I cheated and bought bbq chicken plate lunches at Sam's Club instead of digging out the propane tank. On Saturday, tourists laughed at me for pretending to drag an enormous imaginary fish across the beach for illustration reference. Gavin and I napped in the car in the parking garage at Ala Moana, lips stained from shave ice after petting all the goats at the keiki zoo. Mike and I watched mindless action flicks. Leggy Redhead surprised me in the bathroom of the Spaghetti Factory while I was helping Gavin use the toilet. What a weekend.
 

1 month 4 weeks until vacation.