While the man bangs and grouts and saws in an attempt to finish the bathroom before his mom comes to visit, I've been drawing fruit again.
This month, I endeavored to answer the question: will a diet comprised almost entirely of lychees result in weight loss? The answer: no. No, it won't.
After canning lychees and preserving lychees in vodka and gin, I ran out of jars and resorted to an attempt to eat the entire tree. They are fat free! 6 calories each! Full of vitamin C! And I gained 8 fucking pounds in 2 weeks. Evidently I am also lucky not to have developed encephalopathy. Fruitarians really are bonkers, folks. SCIENCE.*
So now I'm off lychees and into yoga pants, jogging around the block and pissing off all the neurotic dogs in the neighborhood every evening. Down 2 lbs.
But I can't stay mad at these things. They are just the best.
And now they are on my wall with General Kale and Tim Ginger. Also that poisonous mushroom my co-workers brought into the library, which I call "a Mushroom for Muu". The lychees had been uncreatively dubbed "Twig and Berries", but I think now I can call them "Encephalopachees".
*Not really. But plausibly.
