GO

Shit, shit shit shit shit shit. 

People kept asking if I was excited about the trip, and I had to tell them no, it felt like reaching for something just out of grasp, that I wouldn’t trust that the rug wouldn’t get pulled out from under me until I was on the ground in Toronto.

This morning was a series of small hurdles to jump over. Zenny got a persistent cough and needed a visit to the walk-in clinic to make sure she was ok (she’s alright, just caught the cold going around). I had a checkup earlier in the week and my prescription wouldn’t be filled in time, but whatever, I don’t really need it. The bank had a question, but Mike said he’d call them from the pharmacy while picking up Zenny’s cold meds. My phone rang as I was zipping the last suitcase. I heard it in Mike’s voice as soon as I picked up. Here came the rug pull. He fucked up in a way he has never fucked up ever before, and he lost the financing for my house. The money is gone.

I called my mother. She drove over immediately. We put together a plan I have no control over, I am in the wind and it’s all in her hands now. “You have to go, you can’t go backwards, this will work out.” While I cried into her chest.

Then a snowstorm pushed our flight back 4 hours, to 2am. It may still get cancelled. Everything I was afraid of is happening.

We are at the airport, waiting at the gate. It’s midnight. I am feeling destabilized and scared in a way I’ve never felt before. I don’t know what I’m running towards, but I can’t look back now.