I woke up in the middle of the night, took half a melatonin, and then the birds started singing and I realized it was not the middle of the night, it was time to get up for school. Oh shit. Jumped up before it could kick in, got some caffeinated tea, took a workout booster, and yelled at Zenny, "Quick! Get out here and watch tiktoks with me because I took a melatonin by mistake and watching a screen is supposed to be bad for sleep!" She was out of bed and dressed faster than I've ever seen her. (My algorithm is all tumbling kittens and badly behaved birds and funny Japanese videos - she knows I have the good stuff.)
I don't know if my pupils were the size of saucers or pinpricks by the time I got to my doctor's appointment after dropping the kids off, but I had a good weigh-in and told her that now it was time to get ripped like a gym bro, and then I asked if the doctor's office still did thread lifts and said I was just curious because it looked gruesome and I didn't need one because I could use scotch tape. She laughed and said, "Oh my god you're so cute!" And I was confused because I feel like I’m kind of an asshole, and this was the second time in 2 days someone said something like that. Yesterday's therapy was a shit show, but our therapist is amazing and helped me pick apart my rage over work/money/marriage, then she described me as a 'pleasant and calm person' in the center of a storm. I was literally crying and shaking with anger and sadness at that moment, but I looked at the little video box on the screen and realized I was just sitting and dabbing my eyes and nodding. It's not showing to others the way I feel like it is. Right after that we drove to my mother's house for family dinner and were attacked by a yoga ball with a monkey face on it while driving 60pmh on the freeway, and I knew for a fact that I yelled and cussed about it, so after my doctor said I was 'so cute' this morning, I downloaded the dash cam video to prove to myself that I am actually an asshole, and was very surprised to discover that all I said was "oh no”. I don't even know who I am anymore. Besides a person high on weightlifting stimulants who should be painting instead of word-vomiting their existential crisis on the internet.
In other news, Gavin is home! I have the complete set of children again, and it's a big relief. He forgot to bring clothes, his shoes were falling apart like bologna sandwiches, and he looked like a victim of the Waterloo Effect, but we hooked him up with new duds, a haircut, and a beard trimmer.
Surprised the kids by ordering a cheap PS4 copy of 'The Last of Us' for the old game console they never use (a friend gave it to them after an upgrade, and they realized pretty quickly that they'd rather spend their money on, like, suits of armor and boba tea). I was tired of hearing people complain about the game vs the show and decided it would be fun to try it out. We're going to have a family game day and I'll throw the controller at the boys for all the scary parts, just like I did in college when we would rent a console from Blockbuster and stay up all night playing Parasite Eve and Resident Evil. (Games are okay now and then, I just don't like it as a hobby. Better to spend 8000 hours on something like writing a novel or making art or fixing up an old car or printing arms for the chickens.)
Also, on Saturday we went to the symphony to listen to Studio Ghibli music, and Leif was playing air-piano on his knees along with the theme to Howl’s Moving Castle. The college girl sitting in front of us was so happy she cried when they started playing My Neighbor Totoro, and her boyfriend hugged her against his shoulder and kissed her head. A 10 year old in the next row was playing air-violin along with the score. It made my chest fill up with all the good feelings to see the young musicians so happy.
I am finishing the Scotland landscape paintings today. Any second now. They are going... landscapey. I think I am getting better at it, but I'm still in the throw-this-shit-out-the-window stage of the learning curve.
Here are some grapes I am working on, instead.
I’m still unhappy about work/money/marriage stuff, but our therapist told me to make concrete plans for change instead of just looking at cabins in the woods when I’m miserable at work, and that is helping. Something big has to change, I can’t do this for another 10 or 20 years. The largest stressor is work, so I'm starting with that.
(Edited to add: the workout supplements are mild and I only had half, I just don’t do caffeine anymore and was as wired as a squirrel for a couple hours, it’s not as bad as it sounds.)
I don't think you should ever feel as if you have to explain or apologize about something like workout supplements. By the way- what ARE workout supplements? Do I need some? I suppose that would depend on whether or not I ever actually work out.
ReplyDeleteOh, honey. You have so much going on. And how strange that inside you feel like you are a whirling dervish while outside you appear to be as mild as a gentle breeze.
I love those grapes.
Self perception is weird. I don’t think I’m *actually* an asshole, I worry that I’m perceived as one, and I’m almost always sure that I’m embarrassing myself in social interactions. My grandmother liked to say “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt”. Also living in my head is the phrase “don’t believe everything you think.” I do think a person should consider they’re wrong, and that maybe they don’t have all the information and are being manipulated. And then I worry that I’m not taking strong enough stances on things, because I want more context and there just isn’t enough time to fact check everything you come across. (I do have strong stances on things like human rights - “evil begins when you begin to treat people as objects”, as Sir Terry Pratchett wrote. I relate a lot to Granny Weatherax.) I have to help people of all kinds at work and treat them neutrally, so if I feel like I’m going off script I panic.
ReplyDeleteSelf awareness is hard.
Anyway, the supplements Mike sometimes uses are caffeine pills, creatine, and protein powder, but he usually just sticks to the shakes unless he’s pooped. I take ‘blood builder’ vitamins. Just didn’t want it to sound like I was popping speed and driving my kids around.