nope

I don't go to the beach. When I do go to the beach, I don't go in the water. When I do go in the water, I don't carry the kids around, because they're slippery and covered with sharp elbows. But yesterday we had a couple of hours to kill after parent/teacher conferences, so I took the kids to the beach, marched my sun-starved body down into the ocean, and coaxed Zenny into the water with me. I held her up and we bobbed like dumplings, chest-deep and jumping with the waves. Within 10 seconds, a couple of lifeguards in a nearby outrigger started screaming, "SHAAAARK! GET OUT, SHARK SHARK SHAAAARK!" and pointing to a spot right beside us. If the lifeguards are freaking out, I get to freak out. That is allowed.

It is very hard to run in a moving ocean while holding a 6 year-old. Instead of leaping out of the water like a penguin, I fell forward in the surf and tossed Zenny, pushing her ahead of me until she could run on her own, trying to keep my drumsticks between her and the shark. There was a lot of flopping and rolling, but we got out. It was not graceful.

Turned around in time to see the shark cruise through the waves we had just been floating in. It circled around a couple of times and headed for the kids surfing nearby. Everyone on the beach was screaming for them to come to shore, paddling their hands in the air to make them swim faster. Each one made it to safety without getting nibbled like a corn cob. Thanks to all our frantic air paddling, probably.

butts remain unmunched

So that all turned out okay. Nature is fun.