Thursday, June 30, 2016

Overheard in ER

So yeah, I have a diagnosis now, YAY. And it's not something that is going away, BOO. I'll not be mentioning it again, unless something critical happens like my insides get evicted by a surgeon, because nobody likes a sick cranky asshole. In my dotage, I promise to be chipper and bake cookies and only take it out on my progeny by  hitting them with the tennis-ball end of my walker, rather than nattering on about how all my joints had to be replaced with ham hocks and my blood has to get filtered twice weekly through a cheesecloth. It'll keep them on their toes.

Anyway, I was sitting in the ER yesterday and eavesdropping on the staff outside my curtain. Our shitty old hospital has a new wing, and it is a swanky place to drop dead in, let me tell you. They gave me three heated blankets just because they could, and two gowns so I could wear them back-to-front like a sandwich. Posh.

And the nurses were in good moods, because they only had a librarian covered in hot blankets and two drunk hobos to worry about.

"I'm so hungry. I like one spam sandwich."
"Spam... sandwich?"
"Yeah! You never eat that? Spam sandwich, spam omeletspam musubi, put em in fried rice... What? I like spam. But Lynette going teach me to eat yogurt."

Something beeped, feet shuffled away, and a couple minutes later they were back.

*inaudible grumbling*
"You need one hug? I can hug you. I'll do it. You just tell me, I get my arms out. You look like you waiting for one hug. I going hug you. Brace yourself."



It's all hugs and spam at Wahiawa General, folks.


6 comments:

  1. I'm glad you have a diagnosis. If it isn't going away, I hope it is manageable. And I really hope the pain is controlled so that it doesn't jump out at you like it has been doing.

    Just so you know:

    Talking about what you have to do to manage the condition or how it changes your life if it can't be managed won't turn you into a sick cranky asshole. But certainly you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

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  2. Yeah, maybe when I get used to it, but I am TOTALLY being a cranky asshole right now. Woke up at 4:30 when a cat jumped on my head, kid rolled over and kicked me in the face, other cat started meowing for food, other kid woke up and shoved a bloody tooth in my face, and then I got on the scale to see I'd gained back 3 of the 6 pounds I'd fought to work off for the past month. I cried over the coffee pot and then cut a giant hospital ibuprofen in half. I always knew my bits had an early expiration date, because all the women in my family lose theirs, but seeing that cascade of problems actually begin has me a bit upset.

    Ugh. And goddamn it. Need a vacation. Somewhere with a lake and a cabin and a cooler full of ibuprofen-compatible beverages.

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  3. Family traditions...what a pain sometimes. Maybe your mother or an aunt or someone who has been through it can help you cope. But you have a right. I still get angry over health problems I've had for 15 years. The anger doesn't do anyone any good, least of all me, but it's real.

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  4. Maybe the anger can do some good - if channeled into action somewhere else? Like people who start riding bikes obsessively or take up mountain climbing. In that spirit, I have been dictating a SUPER FUN HOLIDAY WEEKEND RAWR and making fudge sauce and chasing the kids around with lemon bars. It's not as athletic as cultivating a Cross Fit mania, but it's a start. How's the holiday weekend over in wherever-you're-from parts?

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  5. Mostly quiet, thank goodness. No neighborhood fireworks. Just the ones the city did and their sound was kind of muffled by distance. Hamburgers and potato salad and watermelon. Relatively healthy anyway. Usually the anger is channeled into eating the wrong things...like fudge sauce and lemon bars (but probably not together). Fudge sauce and coffee ice cream. That's the ticket! Lemon bars on another day.

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  6. Right? Haagen Dazs. Is the coffee frozen yogurt any good, you think? You should probably get both, for comparison, and report back.

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