rampant lilikoi and a contrary jalapeno

This is the year for discovering what grows well and what shrivels up and dies in our garden. I am a food-minded person, and also a bit neglectful, so I want a garden that produces edibles and doesn't need much from me. I planted a billion seedlings, and here are the first-season results:

FAIL

* The cats pooped in the cucumbers until they died.

* Also the green beans.

* And the black-eyed peas.

* The gardenias are trying very hard to die, but failing. They are sulking and huddling together, having conspired not to grow into a nice floral hedge.

* The artichoke isn't sure what to do. One of the twenty seeds sprouted, and grew about 4 inches, and it's just been sitting there like that for 3 months.

* Marigolds keeled over.

* Nasturtiums tried to survive, but got tired and said eh, fuck it, and died.


HELP, THEY ARE TAKING OVER

* The lilikoi vines have become sentient and are trying to climb into the house, having taken over the entire fence and entryway. They are breeding and already producing fruit, and the bees are goddamn giddy. I love them so much, and will plant more and more and more of them - until the ceiling hangs with vines and the walls become the world all around.

* The tomatoes took over the veg garden and grew into monsters, and the mynah birds stole most of the fruit. I need some scary owl decoys to stand guard.

* The strawberry plants became huge and chuckled defiantly in deep smug voices and refused to make any berries. But they seem happy.

* Japanese eggplant seemed productive, but needed more water than I feel like contributing. Maybe I should move it under the roof run-off.

* All the herbs are cool with benign neglect, and the basil is getting along with the roses, which are still not convinced they are in the right climate. Because they are not.

* Pepper bushes seem content, as well, but aren't making any efforts to excel particularly. The jalapenos turned red, which I tried to explain to them was out of form, but they were all, "No. We are red now." I painted one of them and named it a Jalapenonono.

NEXT YEAR

More tomatoes, more lilikoi! Gardenias will be put in pots and kept in the house if they can't get their shit together. I'll plant night-blooming jasmine in the hedge row, instead, and give the neighbors perfume headaches to get back at them for using a charcoal grill during a forest fire.

Gardening is not as soothing as promised, but it has personality.