Wherein I take no chances and reward myself with cake

My friends were passing around motivational tweets this week.

"It is only important to do the thing, it is not important if anyone notices."
"I didn't publish my first novel until 40, and didn't publish a successful one until 48. Take your time and work at your own pace."

If being unpopular is a sign of budding success, I am SO ON TRACK. *brushing shoulders

Still, I should maybe be better at self-promotion and marketing, I said to myself. On cue, an email from my publisher dinged in my inbox. "Any of our authors want to read at the upcoming book festival?" The room dolly-zoomed around me. I saw the scene unfold in my head - sitting in the festival tent, nervously clutching my board book in front of a small group of overheated kids who are all too old for toilet training. Just as I get to the part that goes, "Uh oh, doo doo! Gotta go poo! Run run run to the potty with you!" a shadow falls in the doorway and in walks that guy I had a crush on in college! Followed by that amazing graphic novelist I admire! Who is standing next to ahh goddamn it's the fucking Pioneer Lady why does she keep popping up everywhere?!

I die.

The end.


So I hid the email and baked a cake, instead.

I'm still fasting, so I went with Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cornwall's almost-fat-free fruitcake. My raisins sank and I had a soggy bottom, but that is life after 35. It tasted good anyway, and it should turn out like it's supposed to if you read the recipe before starting it.

Here is the recipe, and it's fun because all you need is a mug to measure everything. Any mug. But probably not a huge two-handed mug, unless you have a loaf pan the size of shoe box.

HRH the Duchess of Cornwall's Fruitcake

per Good Housekeeping UK 

1 mug of hot tea with two tea bags in it

1 mug of sultanas (I used dried cherries)

1 mug of raisins (I was about to use dates when I saw that I actually had raisins)

1 mug of brown sugar

1/2 mug of citrus peel (thinly slice some peels from whatever lemons/oranges/etc you have)

1 egg
1 mug of self-rising flour (or regular flour with a teaspoon each of baking powder and baking soda in it. I don't actually know what either of them do so I added both, and it turned out good, so there you go.)


So, either start this recipe in the morning if you want an afternoon loaf, or in the evening if you want a morning loaf. The fruit has to soak. This is where I went wrong.

Pour the tea, tea bags and all, into a mixing bowl. Dump in the mugs of fruit, the brown sugar, and the citrus peel. Give it a stir and let it soak for 8 hours.

When your fruit is all plump and has soaked up a lot of the liquid (not, say, after you've waited 20 minutes and gotten impatient), discard the tea bags and beat in the egg, then stir in the flour until just mixed. Pour the batter into a greased bread pan and bake at 300 degrees for 1.5 hours. It's going to look done after about 40 minutes, but pop some foil on it so the top doesn't scorch and bake it a bit longer or you'll have a soggy bottom. Ask me how I know.

Cool for a few minutes, turn out onto a rack, and then eat it up as soon as you can safely handle it.


I didn't get a picture of mine, because my kids scarfed it, but here is what it should look like if you soak your fruit properly:

edited to add the bit that says to REMOVE TEA BAGS. This is not high-fiber bread we are going for.