nope

It's fall break, and I've already lost track of the days, thrown off by the blur of the passing school year and a seasonal head cold. We don't have falling leaves and snow to mark the seasons, but we like to keep the illnesses.

The tooth came in at 2:00am, riding a fever, and I was woken by hot little hands. Small dose of baby Tylenol, diaper change, tucked back into bed against me, and she murmured off to sleep again while my brain stayed awake, composing long arguments with people who were Wrong on the Internet. 

'Do whatever the fuck you want' is terrible, terrible life advice, my brain clacked.
Pleasure and happiness are not the same thing. 
Babies do not need flowers bigger than their heads strapped to them to show they are female. Let her just be a baby for a while, ffs.

Everyone is wrong at 2am. Nobody more so than yourself. Some words are etched night after night, and burn like the letters of the One Ring in the darkness. When these started up, I drag a pillow over my head and smother the noise.

And then it is day again.

My sense of immobility and failure is starting to make my family restless.

"I have to go to Anaheim for work in a few months, come with me!"
"Thanks, no."
"Let's sell the house and buy a farm in Washington! We can have apple trees and drive to Vancouver!"
"Nope."

I'm a trapped bear wrapped in a wet banket. No quick movements, I have learned. We had to come to Oahu to get Gavin. We had to go to California to retrieve Leif. We had to be on Maui to find Zenny. I'm finished with wandering for a while. The hiring freeze will lift. The new illustration site will be done soon. The next book is blocked out.

I'm not moving a muscle.