This week I walked in on the man again. And it wasn't a large thing, but my heart has been worrying me lately - in a meat and blood sort of way - as I've started having weakness and pain and palpitations in the days after these sorts of events. I was musing on it earlier this year when my long-missing father touched bases and mentioned his heart surgeries. That's the problem with wayward genetic histories. I suppose I need to go see a doctor about it instead of laying on the couch flexing my fingers and wondering what a minor heart attack might feel like. At the very least, I have decided that I can't keep walking in on things. Next time, I pack a bag. Next time. I know how that sounds. People say things like, "You're too sweet" and "You're a good woman", which I think are code words for "doormat" and "dumbass". It is better to mess up your life through action than inaction, I know this. But when do a string of small things amount to one big thing? When I go urk and fall over dead, I guess. Not the sort of romance I am looking for. I'll take tawdry or steamy - or even lost - over tragic.
Next time.
well, damn. I hoped never to stumble across this sort of update in my lurking.
ReplyDeleteWell, things are ok. Things are always ok, aren't they? There's a small incident, an apology, a joke, and then the tension is broken and we're back to square one. If something big would happen, or if he could just be a big angry beligerant jerk instead of sweet and sorry... bah. My heart hurts. I don't know.
ReplyDeleteA retorical question: Why do you settle for things being "ok"? Is it worth your heart hurting?
ReplyDeleteThe alternative is not radiant joy. 80/20 rule. 80 percent of time things are great, 20 percent it's not. 80 percent of problems created by 20 percent of behavior. Etc.
ReplyDelete