Clink clink clink

Shut up, everyone, I'm talking.



It's good to see you all here again this year. A lot has happened since the last time we sat at this table, and most of it was, actually, pretty great. There was the house, the car, the trip to New York, the holidays with friends and family - oh, stop toasting yourself, Nicholas Sparks, I know how your stories end. As soon as I figure out where you hid the script, I'm handing over my life story to someone who knows what they're doing. Put your hand down, Cormac. Anyway, yes, friends and family, good stuff. I'd also like to raise my glass to my mother, who had a spectacularly horrible year, healthwise, but still came out of it with her new bike gang jacket and her most fantastic bronze sculpture to date. You're amazing, mom. Cormac, stop looking at the cat, you can carve the turkey in minute - I'll help hold him down. Just kidding Sparks! Geez. So, right. To my beautiful sons, you are wonderful and I love you. Mike, thanks for being good this year. At least as far as I can tell. I'm still trying to figure out how to get the geolocation tracker on your phone to tell me if your pants are on. But still, I only had to write one angry email to another woman, and didn't have to slap you at all, so that is a marked improvement there. Koontz, if I see you slip one more piece of ham to that goddamn dog, I'm going to make you switch places with Sparks. Who invited you, anyway? Fer Christ's sake, Mike, how many people do you think fit on an airbed? I don't have enough english muffins for this. You all better have birthday presents for me tomorrow, I tell you what. So yes, it is Thanksgiving, the food looks fantastic, and I know we all can't wait to dive in face-first, so I'll wrap this up. To the people I love, I - erm, love you. To the people who can't be here, I wish you were. To Ms. Apple over there waving from Skype, yes, Thanksgiving was a month ago, I tried to tell them but they all came anyway. Oh, stop sniggering, Sparks, grow up. KOONTZ I AM SERIOUS IF I SEE THAT DOG ONE MORE TIME - oh, he can use cutlery, that's ok then, make him sit at the kiddie table. So yes, everyone raise your glasses, grasp your forks, and let us FEAST!

Sláinte!