Seeking clarity

When you look into a pool of water, if the water is still, you can see the moon reflected. If the water is agitated, the moon is scattered and fragmented. It is harder to see the true moon. Our minds are like that. When our minds are agitated, we cannot see the true world.

-Jon J Muth, Zen Shorts

6:00am:
My mother looked up at me as I put on my shoes. Elmo was singing to Gavin about finding a thinking spot when you're feeling troubled. She said, "My daughter has lost her thinking spot. She needs to find her rock." I kissed her head and walked Gavin to the car with his lunch box.

6:45am:
Sitting in a comfy chair at Starbucks, very large coffee in hand. I could feel the water settling, and I was starting to see beneath it what I had suspected for weeks. I stared out the window at the sun coming up, waiting. You're alive, get going, I told myself, and dropped my coffee in the trash on the way out. Enough of that, I need to get off caffeine.

8:30am, waiting for appointment:
I paced the empty shopping center in Hawaii Kai, watching the boats in the harbor bob around. Leaning on the chipped railing, I inhaled deeply to smell the ocean; smelled nothing. I wonder if that's good or bad, I thought. After walking past the coffee shops and pausing to look at the cheeses in the grocery store, I walked back to the car and rolled down the windows, turned up the radio. Warm day, shivering anyway.

10:45am:
I let the library door swing shut behind me and shook my head in disbelief. Employers who offer terrible hours and low pay should really try not to make ugly mocking faces while a potential employee is answering questions. Telling bald-faced lies about why the job is open is also not a good idea. I don't think I'll be getting a call back from them. If I do it will be a short conversation.

I headed toward Waimanalo, wondering where my anxiety went. In the garbage with the coffee, maybe. On impulse, I turned off at Sandy Beach. Blowhole exploded in the distance, the ocean rolled in with massive winter waves. Wave on top of wave. I opened my gym bag and pulled out my Speedo. Snaked out of my skirt and blouse with the windows still open, snapped up the straps and stepped out barefoot into the hot sand. Sitting on my towel, I watched the bodyboarders make run after run at the massive waves, getting rolled and crushed into the shore. A tanned man in sagging shorts stood near me, eyes on the formations of the waves, feet padding rhythmically, ready to sprint when the water looked just right. Completely focused. I leaned back and watched him run like a pelican into the surf and get flipped clean over - feet flailing - and smashed into the sand, causing me to laugh for the first time in days. The chill began to seep out of me into the sand. I picked up my towel and walked back to the car, pulled on my red shorts, and drove with the windows down all the way home.

I've been around this circle a few times before, and it always ends the same way; me alone on a beach in the winter, giving up my troubles to the sky. Bottom line: I like my home. 

Still no text that would break my heart. Coward, I thought. I tossed my phone across the table, put on some dry clothes, and walked to the store for stamps and shrimp. Bills in the mail. In the past week or so, I have started to regain my feet financially. Next month looks pretty good.

2:00pm
With a follow-up appointment for Gavin in an hour, I hopped back in the car and headed to the mall. I walked straight to the teen jewelry stores. Claires horrified me with all their pink fluffiness, so I headed down to Icing. Same store, but more boho. Didn't matter. I pointed to a gold stud, sat in the little swivel chair, and PUNCH! I now have a cartilage piercing. Another notch, this one for the end of an era. The tender spot next to my solitary right earring can continue waiting.

Gavin checked out healthy. He played with his blocks on the rug while I sauteed fish for supper. I thought about the corporate metaphor my headmaster used at the last staff meeting. Heart aligned beneath my head, feet firm beneath me, hands working at the things that need doing.