After making me strip down and put on a flimsy hospital gown, the nurses had me lay down on the exam table, then pulled blankets up to my chin and tucked me in like a little kid. I felt cozy and secure. Then they shooed away the old man in the next stall, pulled down my blankets, and stuck cold jelly and electrodes all over my torso, breaking the spell. The treadmill was an awkward speed; my legs were just slightly too short to manage it at a fast walk, and it was too slow for a jog, so I sort of lurched around on it, not fooled at all by the faded poster of a country lane that they had tacked to the wall in front of the machine. I almost lost my footing and smacked my chin off the hand rail when the doctor grabbed my arm and made me run like an Olympic torch bearer while he took my blood pressure. I took a bit longer than the old man ahead of me to get my heart rate up to speed, so that's good, I guess. I was finally able to flop down, out of breath, and watch the technician examine my heart with the ultrasound. I am totally healthy, it seems. This morning I told my professor why I had been absent, and she laughed, saying, "Oh, I had that same thing happen when I was in library school, turns out it was panic attacks!" Oh good.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
1st class
I headed out early this morning to test the traffic, and arrived an hour before class. I don't know if it was the 6 hours of sleep or what, but it was hard to keep my eyes focused on the road, and my head felt like it was a balloon on a string, making it hard not to panic and crash. I've been particularly sleepy lately; maybe I'm fighting a form of narcolepsy or something.
There needs to be a paperback in my purse. I miss reading for pleasure. I still haven't found the fiction section in this massive research library, although I know it exists. Maybe I will go looking while I wait for class to start, even though I am muzzy-headed and sleepy, weak in the chest and slightly queasy from my pills and empty stomach. I am not grumpy, at least. Yesterday was great, the smells of pie and brownies filled the house. We listened to classical music and sat around all day, watching Gavin play and catching a few episodes of Carnivale while he napped, snacking on chips, dip, and shrimp cocktail. We broke out the kebabs and barbecue grill while Gavin splashed in his baby pool, blended up some Kahlua, Irish cream, and ice cream, and rented a movie. Very American of us, even if we did opt for grilled veggies and steak instead of cheddar brats. At least Mike did his part to empty the beer drawer in the fridge.
But I do feel slightly grey today. This class isn't something I'm very interested in: Pacific Island Resources. But as long as I am not expected to turn out a 15 page paper in 4 days, I will probably stay out of the hospital this go-around (it's a lie, I have an appointment for heart tests in a week). I lost a bit of my pep somewhere in the past few weeks; to take a page from Bilbo, I feel thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. In every area of my life. I don't know how to get my stride back.
There needs to be a paperback in my purse. I miss reading for pleasure. I still haven't found the fiction section in this massive research library, although I know it exists. Maybe I will go looking while I wait for class to start, even though I am muzzy-headed and sleepy, weak in the chest and slightly queasy from my pills and empty stomach. I am not grumpy, at least. Yesterday was great, the smells of pie and brownies filled the house. We listened to classical music and sat around all day, watching Gavin play and catching a few episodes of Carnivale while he napped, snacking on chips, dip, and shrimp cocktail. We broke out the kebabs and barbecue grill while Gavin splashed in his baby pool, blended up some Kahlua, Irish cream, and ice cream, and rented a movie. Very American of us, even if we did opt for grilled veggies and steak instead of cheddar brats. At least Mike did his part to empty the beer drawer in the fridge.
But I do feel slightly grey today. This class isn't something I'm very interested in: Pacific Island Resources. But as long as I am not expected to turn out a 15 page paper in 4 days, I will probably stay out of the hospital this go-around (it's a lie, I have an appointment for heart tests in a week). I lost a bit of my pep somewhere in the past few weeks; to take a page from Bilbo, I feel thin, like butter scraped over too much bread. In every area of my life. I don't know how to get my stride back.
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