Up in the air

A call for a second interview from King County threw a bit of a hitch into an otherwise easy decision. This pitted Mike's desires against my own, and I've already asked a lot from him. I feel my hands are tied by what I need to do to keep my family together and happy. I just don't know what that is.

In the movies, some people make hard decisions over drinks, others sleep on it, some take a brisk walk, and a few organize a rock-off. Me, I sat on the floor between the toilet and litter box and cried. Whatever my bathroom activities, Gavin reliably comes to check on me after about 30 seconds. He cracked the door open, made a concerned noise, and came to kneel next to me. He wiped my cheeks with both hands, "Oh, mom, you're crying?" I noticed that he gets worry lines between his eyebrows just like I do. "Don't be scared, mom," he said, smoothing the hair away from my eyes, "There are no monsters, mom. The monsters are all gone." He kissed my forehead and hugged me.

Then he pulled me into the bedroom, beat me with a stuffed goose, and jumped on my guts with his pointy knees, but I got the message.

No decision yet. I'm going to try sleeping on it. Maybe a brisk walk. No rock-off.

just my color

At the end of my shift at the library, I watched as Caton found a secure beam and did five or six pull-ups. I elbowed him aside and jumped up to see if I could manage one. "You're not supposed to use your legs," he said, pointing to my swinging limbs as I hoisted myself up with trembling arms. I managed to touch my forehead to the beam before dropping down. I looked around for applause, very impressed with myself, but Caton and Yuri were looking at their cell phones. The call slip machine croaked out another dvd slip, and Caton tore it off. "Hey," he said,"Someone's lucky, both the Kill Bills are in. You like that movie?" I smirked, because he referred to 2 films in the singular and because I have hated every movie he has tried to start a conversation over. "Actually, yes," I admitted, embarrassed to share a movie preference with someone who dyes his hair like Eminem. He beeped the barcode. "You could pull off that," he said. "What?" I hoped for a moment that my half-a-pull up had somehow shown my aptitude for ninja ass-whupping. "Her outfit," he said, holding up the disc. I blinked, remembering all the times I walked past the full-sized standee of Uma in her yellow catsuit outside the video store and grumbled to myself about donuts. I surprised myself by being suddenly flattered. The feminist in me wrung her hands. Well, the outfit in the movie is splattered with the blood of her enemies, that's pretty good, but you're responding to an unrealistic body image reinforced by male validation. Shame spiral! Bah. I have a pile of old katanas (can I pluralize that?) that need sharpening in front of Bridget Jones's Diary.

Birthday girl

26.

Mike and I spent the entire day around each other for the first time in months. It went okay. I was coaxed out from under the bed to answer two birthday phone calls, and our dance group toasted me twice over shots of scotch. I felt loved.

Ala Moana was busy with holiday shoppers. We looked for boots, stuffed into changing rooms to try on interview pants, and ate food court Thai food. I spent one of my three birthday gift cards, and we returned home with a sleeping boy over Mike's shoulder. While the kid napped, Mike and I got into the leftover liquor bottles abandoned by our Thanksgiving guests while I insisted on watching the stupidity of The Surreal Life because it was my birthday. My mother learned how to "bring it" like a diva, then Mike and I walked up to the store for peppermint sticks to decorate my cake. In the evening we went downtown for the RSCDS party.

We are beginning to worry about our Scottish dance society, as members have started fighting and quitting. My mother has been trying to solve the problem by bringing scotch to all our events. The real problem is our lack of unity; our parties used to be fun events with laughter, drinks, dancing, and food hosted in our homes. Now we meet at boxy churches and old dance studios and everyone sits around quietly like it's an extra class meetings. We have decided to try to bring some life back into our group by hosting a scotch tasting party at our house some time. We need younger members, but I don't know how to recruit. I've been dancing with these old goats since I was 12, I hate to see them falling apart.

 

Inventory

stayed up 3 days with my baby in the hospital
published my first book
submitted a second book to the publisher
started work on a third book
took 10 classes
started working weekends at Sinclair Library
wrote a 15 page term paper in 1 day
learned about stress-induced panic attacks
made 4 good friends
applied for 8 jobs
had 5 good interviews
bought a motorcycle
lost 7 sizes
had an unusual amount of relationship drama
ate the most crab I've had in years
developed a liking for kim chee
got back into art modeling
missed the bronze sculpture class for the first time in 4 years
spent half the year thinking I was already 26

 (how did I have time to do any of this? The year just flew by!)

Here's to year 27.

Gavin picture

The kiddo has had a cold for a few days. He has taken up a post in front of the tv in his rocking chair, slipping in our Nightmare Before Christmas dvd. He's in good enough humor, though, dancing at open mic night and twirling with his plastic sword. Developmentally, he's been using full sentences (his pronunciation is still a work in progress), he likes to listen to long stories and he can follow and understand them. He's into baseball (weird) and firetrucks, he puts together puzzles, uses the computer to play games, and he's completely got the toilet thing down. Turns 3 in a month. Hard to believe.

He looks like his dad, I think. He's a serious kid most of the time:

no trip

Last night I had nightmares and woke up with tears in my ears. Nuclear warfare, huddling against the blast with my baby in a basement full of windows. At one point Mike turned into Aragorn and rode off to organize our escape, but that still left me in a tough spot.

This is the weekend I would have flown to the Big Island for the HLA conference and a luxury hotel getaway. Instead I am warming my hands under my arms in the AV center, pulling DVDs and shelving videos. Things just don't work out sometimes. I'm still hell bent on going to the ALA conference this spring. I'm not kidding myself; I know conferences can suck your soul out (as the child of a single mother I was dragged to quite a few), but it's more about independence. I haven't had a night out on my own for almost 4 years.

I brought my camera; this time not for embarrassing my co-workers, but to document our PR project. At least being away from round tables and tiki bars means I can get some homework done.

Oh well.

Work pics

Printing up a picture of Gavin to send in a thank-you card to my Great Aunt, I found some pictures I took at work. 

Caton, hater of natural pigment:



An uncanny resemblance to 1970s witch art:


Cute Tubby Rocker helps fill call slips:



Sneaking through the basement is ruined by my lack of balance:



Libraries are fun.

cold boca burger kind of day

Endless Thursday. My desk faces a picture window overlooking the city, shining against the morning sun. The highway flows like a vein across it. My inbox is empty, I am not going to hurl any messages into the darkness. I roll through my usual list of sites to make sure all is right in the world, dig through my empty lunch bag, look sadly at the squashed boca burger in my purse, scribble ideas for a graphic novel on a scrap of PostIt, then get back to work. Thursday...

Yesterday seems like a long time ago. After nibbling a square of fancy chocolate while jotting down notes on the library staff meeting I was in, I sat at Volcano Joe's and watched Gavin snore on the cafe couch. My mother and I drank tea and coffee, watching the college kids and trying to figure out where they were all from. After an hour, we stuffed the sleeping boy into his car seat and drove home with a roast chicken in the trunk for dinner. Mike and I left for dancing alone. The RSCDS planned a party on the same day as my birthday (but not for my birthday), and I haven't decided whether we'll be bringing 26 slices of cheesecake or 26 mini bottles of single-malt whiskey. 

... oh no, it's still Thursday.

Copy cat

Because I'm feeling left out with the quizes, I have stolen Marie's. Woo hoo! Who says I don't open up?

1. Your name spelled backwards? Ylloh (wtf?)

2. Where were your parents raised? Guam; Indiana

3. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? tsunami warning research articles and that "pissing the night away" song.

4. What's your favorite restaurant? the Mekong

5. Last time you went swimming? February 05


6. Have you ever been in a school play? I was a lizard in the school nativity play.

7. How many kids do you want? 2 - 1 girl, 1 boy. Since we have the boy, we're scared to have the next one - and then the next one and the next one - until we end up with 5 boys.

8. Type of music you dislike most? Country.

9. Are you single? I'm a free spirit in a committed partnership.

10. Do you have cable? Several.

11. Have you ever ridden on a moped? nope.

12. Ever prank call anybody? no, but I've gotten a few interesting ones. "Hi, ma'am, is Holly there? This is Scott, I know her from school... *ahem* Hello, Holly. Are you ready for my 12 inches of love? My 12 inches... I said 'my 12... why are you laughing? *click*" I still have no idea who 'Scott' was...

13. Best friends or people you can talk to? yes.

14. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? depends who asked and whether I was trying to get in bed with them.

15. What country would you wanna live in? Scotland!

16. Do you have a garden? I have a stump of a plant in a pot outside.

17. What's your favorite comic strip? I saw the author of Mother Goose and Grim in his Superman jammies, but it's Calvin and Hobbes.

18. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? I'm dual-citizen; I don't know the words to 2 national anthems.

19. Bath or Shower, morning or night? Morning shower. Afternoon if I'm pissed off.

20. Best movie you've seen in the PAST MONTH? Jay and Silent Bob Stike Back. (Sorry, Elizbethtown)

21. Favorite pizza topping? fresh tomato

22. Chips or popcorn? kettle corn

23. What color lipstick do you usually wear? the ones with fish scales ground up in them

24. Have you ever peed somewhere besides the toilet? I have peed on a wide assortment of natural landscapes and small insects. Yay, camping and poverty.

26. Orange Juice or apple juice? diet caffeine-free soda

27. Who was the last person you went out to dinner with? The "gang", Dixie grill

28. Favorite type chocolate bar? The expensive stuff.

29. When was the last time you kissed someone? This morning as I left for work; slobbery baby and sleeping husband.

30. Last time you ate a home grown tomato? Is that an offer? I want one now.

31. Have you ever won a trophy? I won a 5th place storytelling trophy; a "most valuable player" trophy for band class; and a small assortment of plaques and ribbons for various swim-team related nonsense.

32. Are you a good cook? Yes, but I still prefer to eat other people's cooking.

33. Do you know how to pump your own gas? I don't produce gas from any pumpable source.

34. Ever order an article from an infomercial? No.

35. Sprite or 7-up? Whichever says I have a 1-in-6 chance of winning.

36. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to work? I had to wear a uniform to catholic school. With knee socks and pleated skirt.

37. Last thing you bought at a Walgreens? I will switch this to Longs Drugs. Halloween decorations.

38. Ever thrown up in public? Only if by "public" I can count over the 2nd-floor banister of a ski lodge at 2am.

39. Would you prefer being a millionaire or find true love? Are the two mutually exclusive? It depends, of course.

40. Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes. But only on my end of it.

41. Can ex's be friends? Only until the ex finds Jesus and decides you're the devil because you won't pull out your fillings.

42. Who was the last person you visited in a hospital? My son. :(

43. Did you have a lot of hair as a baby? I was bald.

45. What's your favorite color? ylloh

46. What was the name of your first pet? Are you trying to log into my bank account?

47. What things are in your backpack? notebook, rumpled syllabus, emergency pad, empty breath mints box, empty rolaids box, pennies, dead pen, old lipstick.

48. Favorite thing to do before bedtime? drink tea/watch Battlestar Galactic

49. What is one thing you are grateful for today? I burned a new cd to listen to in the car, and I haven't panicked driving for the past month or so (fingers crossed).

50. What are you thinking about? My ice-breaking conversation with a goon in front of an autopsy video.

Yay! I'm done!

spiral-bound potential

Driving to the university, I squinted across the glaring pavement while the rain came down from a blue sky. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young strummed at me from the cd player, reminding me of the days when my mother played the album on vinyl. I unexpectedly burst into song, amazed at the human ability to remember lyrics for 20 years and still forget everything ever learned in high school. I didn't angle down the sun visor; I have the irrational fear that it would chop off the top of my skull in an accident.

I splashed through puddles and into the bookstore on my way to my internship. I looked at all the nice new sketchbooks and chose a medium-sized Strathmore pad without thinking about it. I have worked my way through enough brands to know what works best for me. This morning I had pulled on my new socks and declared, "There is nothing better in the world than a new pair of socks!" but I was wrong, there is nothing better in the world than a fresh sketchbook. It holds limitless possibility, it is the best sketchbook you have ever had, until you use it. I picked up a cheap mechanical pencil - my favorite - and headed to the library feeling much better. Maybe this will be the sketchbook that launches my graphic novel. It could.

Halloween '05

By 9am, I was lying groaning on the couch in front of Harry Potter. Mike laughed when he saw me wiping a smear from Gavin's chin, and came over to with a cloth to clean the chocolate off my own face. We had discovered caramel wraps - a great invention that eliminates the mess of melting caramel. We draped the apples in blankets of caramel, popped them in the oven, and rolled them in mini chocolate chips. Happiness on a stick.

As the evening approached, I pounded out a book critique for class while drinking a pumpkin ale. My mother put on her costume, which she has been carefully bent over with needle and thread for several days, and went off to class with our papers and a stuffed goose (she was Mother Goose). I remained at my post as candy server.

While dressing up as a pirate, I had to stop after my second layer of eyeliner to get the boys ready. Mike spent a good twenty minutes destroying his work pants with a pair of scissors before rolling in mud for authenticity. Gavin sat very still as I carefully rubbed kohl around his eyes. He laughed when I held him to the mirror, then posed with his plastic rapier.

Mike made a toddler run and came back with my little cousin Chris. As the sun set, the boys charged around the lawn in their blinking sneakers, pausing to look into the jack-o-lantern, and finally grabbing their pumpkin buckets and hitting the dark streets with Mike. I popped in a Halloween music mix and stood vigil with the candy.

I handed out candy to a lot of princesses and ninjas. The older boys have taken to snapping on plastic masks and wearing their backpacks backwards to serve as candy bags. Pathetic. I gave them pixie sticks for their weak efforts.

The boys came back an hour later and dumped their buckets on the rug, ripping through as many candies as possible, tasting and discarding them in favor of the next brightly colored wrapper. When we began to run low on candy to distribute, Gavin picked out his hard candies and bubblegums to contribute to the pot, cheerfully greeting trick-or-treaters with "Happy Halloween!" and handing out the candy himself. He is such a good kid, he makes me so damn proud.
 

Mike returned Chris to his mom and we dumped Gavin in the tub. When my mother came home, Gavin told her all about his ghostly adventures, then curled up on her lap and sleepily watched The Nightmare Before Christmas.

All told, a successful holiday.