It's hard opening up even to myself about relationship stuff, let alone to something I know is public, but I feel like a hipocrit fighting censorship in my library and then hiding my own life because I'm afraid of what people would think. I spent 3 hours on the phone with Mike yesterday. I was really honest with him. It's frustrating to me that we get along so well, even now, and that some sad part of the smashed ruins in my chest still cares about him. Anyone would tell me I'd be an idiot to consider him again. I know it. A wise woman told me Don't buy cheese whiz when there's still brie on the shelf. I told Mike that he has to become the man he wants Gavin to be, and if he can do that there might be something left for us somewhere much farther down the road. I guess I'll just keep my head up and eyes open for that brie. I thought my heart had broken open and emptied out, but last night I walked to the store and made eye contact with a face that in the semi-dark resembled the guy I loved, and my heart squeezed painfully. The stranger watched me round the corner, seeming to recognize me, too. [Or thinking about murdering me.]
When you smile, your body releases happy chemicals. I've been trying to write about happiness, to create it, and it’s not working. It's kind of a relief being able to settle in and do what I want in life, just me; maybe grow some roots, enjoy my job, get into a groove with life and Gavin and family. I'm ok with just being me. But I'm still heartbroken.
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