lies and other affirmations

In general, I don't like to write unless I can joke about things, and that just hasn't been happening. On Sunday I went for a walk to try to shake things off, and got hit with a wave of grief and mortal terror like I've never felt before. It was awful, I thought I might be having a heart attack or something. Went home, had a massive crashout on my studio couch, and then felt empty, like my body had vomited up poison. It just left that thin whining fear/worry that I've been feeling for ages, which was a lot more noticeable once the racket of grief went quiet. Then I remembered something: Tylenol does not cause autism (for fuck's sake), but it does cause temporary suppression of empathy and reduced emotional pain. I took one before work, one in the afternoon, and HOLY SHIT, it actually helped. It turned the volume down, and I felt kind of indifferent. DIY antidepressant. Follow me for more ways to hack your emotions in ways that will make your doctor frown.

Once I had my shit back together I had to do my therapy homework. My new therapist is sweet and young and wants to do lots of exercises using feeling wheels and word association, and I am down for it even though I think it's a little silly. Silly is fine. Silly is a relief. My assignment was to come up with 5 affirmations to counteract the bad feelings from the Wheel of Feelings. This was harder than it sounded. Cheerful lies don't work on me. "Everything will be okay!" Nooooo, not necessarily, people die and starve and end up homeless. "You're beautiful and strong!" Why do I have to be beautiful and strong? That is not my job. "It's never too late!" Sometimes it is. You miss an opportunity and it never happens again. "Anything is possible!" No it isn't. Be real.

Here is what I ended up with:

1. I am still here. 

2. Don't get scared, get angry. (Terry Pratchett. It was a tossup between that or "It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it".)

3. Outlive your enemies. (I just have two  three enemies right now, but I'm open-minded.)

4. Fuck you, make me. (Yes, I watched John Oliver.)

5. The Dunning Kruger Effect. (Incompetent people greatly overestimate their competence, and competent people greatly underestimate their competence - so if you're feeling like a useless loser that's probably a sign that you're actually doing okay. Delusional overconfidence is essential when learning a new skill, otherwise we'd all give up before getting any good. When you learn enough to realize how much you don't know and feel like an imposter, that's actually when you're getting a handle on the skill and have things to teach others.)

I cringed after reading them to her, and she started laughing and called me cute. Oh no, this again. I don't know what my face is doing when I talk to people, but when I am an old lady I will have a secret weapon - nobody suspects the cute old lady. I should add that to my affirmations. If I change my last name to something like "Bibblesworth" or "Puddifut" or "Nibblewit" I'll be able to get away with murder.

We fly out Thursday. My atelier class starts as soon as we get back. I have a painting in a gallery show next month. I am reading Victorian Psycho, by Virginia Feito, and Bury Your Gays, by Chuck Tingle. Just finished the second Mickey7 novel, Antimatter Blues, by Edward Ashton. (I like the Mickey7 books, but the movie, Mickey 17, was better. That hardly ever happens, but the movie was weird and unhinged in a way the books aren't. They're still good, though.) Staying busy, is what I'm saying. 

Invasive Species II

I'm nervous about the trip. If it feels like home, that's the start of a lot of trouble. If it does not feel like home, that's the start of a lot of trouble. Either way, it's good information to have so I can get on with things.